Monogamy isn't Monogam'US'

Preface:
This is a topic which to me is very important. This post initiates from an article on cnn.com titled "Mate debate: Is monogamy realistic". For me, I found it so angering that I initially wasn't even able to read this article all the way through. My opinions are based on not just this article, but unfortunately from the things I have witnessed among my peers (of all ages). To be very clear, my opinion of people who cheat is that they are selfish and worthless trash without a conscience nor any moral fiber. (It took everything within me to not erupt into a curse laden rant of epic proportions, and I can’t promise that it still won’t.)

I: Fundamental Differences

(a) My favorite quote from this piece was from a chap named “Mark” who didn’t have the nuts to include his last name. He is currently living within a Polyamory relationship (which is basically when two trashy sex addicted couples merge their households). Mark (I am certain his proverbial “hot potato” of a wife would do the same, but she reserved no comment in this article) makes a lot of points that are completely contradictory to what marriage was meant to be or what he agreed to on his wedding day. But he saves the best for last as he rationalizes his lifestyle by saying "This isn't about having affairs, it's really about being able to be open and loving,". Really Mark? Because from my seats that looks like exactly what it’s about. Tell me, if it’s not about the sex and it’s really about love and companionship, why keep the first broad in the first place? That seems rather moot.

(b) I honestly find it difficult to maintain multiple friendships with my guy friends and when asked “Would I like to have more friends that are women?” I would tell you, I never intended to have any to begin with. Not saying I don’t appreciate the few that I have, but having multiple women to just hang out with, talk and watch movies doesn’t exactly seem very worthwhile. Seriously, If my male friends do not get along or cannot mix, I either give one the boot or both because they aren’t worth the hassle (no offense to those friends I have). Women only complicate the matter more; I would have to put up with their drama with me, the drama with their girls, their guy drama, now you ADD sleeping with her and living near or with the other guy pegging her? Hell no. I would prefer Chinese torture, please.

(c) I don’t think I am the only guy that feels this way, either. I would guestimate that 70% of co-sex friendships are only the result of a guy trying desperately to nail some girl and then getting stuck in the previously dissected “Friend Zone”. So my apologies Mark, that is a rationalization. You like to get laid, and you have found a couple dumb enough or pathetically weak enough to allow you to be an infidel within your own home. You are a gleaming example of what a role model father should be!!!

II: Malevolence
(a) I seriously wonder what our future generations will be like. Will they have any morals, accountability or self control? Do people honestly believe you can raise our future in this style of household and be successful? If you do, you are mistaken and a pathetic fool. Just ask children of divorce how they felt as children, the complications of choosing sides. Then add that mom and dad live with another set of mom and dad and they have a fuck-swing instead of a chandelier in the entry. I cannot even imagine the confusion I would've had if I was raised in such a despicable place. Why not just live in Las Vegas with the rest of America’s Trash!

(b) The part here that just completely loses me in rage is the selfishness. Because you have a very clear choice as a young person. You can decide you want to be single and bang everything that walks, you can forgo having children and be trash and do copious amounts of drugs to pass the time, you can do pretty much anything you desire. It is a free country, so while I will pass judgment and probably think less of you, you’re still welcome to do as you please. The other option is to do the wife and family thing. It’s not a really difficult thing to do or decide on. Honestly, you are born and sort of drifting through our inept education system until about 16 or 17 before you start to get a feel for things and as fate would have it, from 18 to 23 you pretty much have nothing to do (and if you are really below the average intellect, you go to a garbage college or tech school and have EVEN LESS to do).

(c) Me personally, I drank a lot, but I saw a lot too, so I figure with as much boozing as I did, pretty much anyone can figure themselves out in that 5+ year span of zero responsibilities (unless of course you got pregers early or in high school, then you made your decision and the consequences should be yours and yours alone). So, instead of just floating around like lumps of shit for all of college and the first few years out of college, do a little investigating into yourself and to others. Do I foresee myself as a father? Do I love the idea of having a wife to be my friend and confidant for my life? Is it important for me to have my children raised within a strong household with TWO supportive parents that are committed to each other as well as the family? (great questions to start with). Or, do I prefer doing drugs, getting drunk and surrounding myself with other fake insecure people, bouncing up and down on bar flies and the occasional street girl? Do I have a list of sexual conquests I would like to achieve? If so, you are probably not a great candidate for marriage and children, especially if you start the family life prior to finishing your list. Simple things here. Not rocket science. Just spend some time getting to know yourself and women you are attracted to, that way you can forecast compatibility and not just stumble into what should be irreversible mistakes.

III: Social Consciousness
(a) I will use myself as a perfect example, I spent the early part of my college experience with older guys, seeing what all goes on, going to bars and watching the pace. I then spent the second two years boozing and watching a different group of guys and girls interact, a little younger group, but not too dissimilar to those I spent the first part with. In all of this, I really got to see what it was that I matched with or in my case (what I didn’t match with). I went on plenty of dates, some merely for practice or interest. I would know it wasn’t the caliber of girl I would marry but wasn’t someone that far off either. So there was no better way to look at the books than take her out and see what she is all about. I would make mental notes on all of these girls and the reactions I had to them; “whether I felt it would match with me or if it was too much in one direction or another”. Then I would watch the girls interact away from me, see how they behave and determine trustworthiness (most lack this). Then I graduated college and after never quite finding one that fit the grid, I took a roll of the dice (I think most everyone should at least try once to test themselves). This turned out to be the test of all tests and such a damning experience that I took a 2 year sabbatical from dating and women in general. Clearly proving that you have to understand what makes that other person tick before you go further and also that no advice on Earth is more valuable than the gut instincts.

(b) In all, I learned a lot about myself. I determined that it was probably better for me to get broken down and haggard in order for me to strengthen my core beliefs and to really take myself seriously about what I believed. I learned that very few do what they say and actually speak with conviction and that it was important to me that I become one of those few who do. Being able to come to these determinations and understandings at 23 years old perhaps is premature for many, but certainly attainable by 30 years of age.

(c) When all was said and done, and before I hit 24 years old, I determined that nothing was more important to me than having and raising my own children, and that I would prefer to do so with a women of moral fiber, little baggage and intelligence enough to identify what’s important in life and how to get it. That I would do so only on the condition it was a lifelong love affair that wouldn’t be broken up by stupidity, selfishness or lack of loyalty. Something I could guaranty if for no other reason than I would accept nothing less in return and would want nothing else shown as an example to my children. Knowing everything I do and say has repercussions I believe it is completely under my control as to whether I am faithful to my family (it’s not just the wife you destroy).


IV: Internalized
(a) With the way things turned out in my first “real relationship” I could have just as easily gone the other route. It wouldn’t be within my personality to do so, but I could have turned to using drugs or boozing up to fight the anger that had consumed me, I could have began womanizing or just said piss on it and moved on without women. I decided to rebuild and strengthen the fort, but many do not and that is their decision. Had I decided women are a disaster and I want no part in having them as a trusted ally, I would have certainly taken to bars and partying and as a result loose women and would probably have had a grand old time (if that were in fact what I chose to be best for me).

(b) The difference here is, I CHOSE. Another words, you cannot have both. You cannot have the mindset of one and do the other. With a somewhat similar analogy “You don’t drink and drive because you are prone to make mistakes resulting in a crash, you can’t ‘party’ and wed and expect any better results.” People don’t seem to understand this yet and as a result divorce is rampant, cheating the same and single parent homes continue to grow.

(c) So after we have clearly explained the simplicity in deciding whether or not you should take the family route or not, let us please discuss your accountability, or lack thereof. Did you not propose to this girl (or did you not accept his proposal)? Did you not understand the agreement and its’ terms? You had the life of the relationship and the time spent preparing for your wedding to realize this was something you were not ready nor up for. But again, like a coward, you fail to step up to the plate. If you and she feel that its more pleasurable to live out on the town and have your downtown loft for parties and friends and bar hookups and all the garbage that accompanies that lifestyle, then by all means, decline their offer and go on your way. But you cannot, can you? You are too selfish. You desire to have the security of this person, but also the life you want to live on your terms. Allow me to speak for your significant other, you’re a horrible and shallow person. If you decide to hang the other person on, you deserve to be drowned in shallow waters.


V: Social Ineptitude
(a) People seem to think when they get married it’s just some big party, everyone gets trashed and dances around like some big barn dance. I find it annoying. In fact, most people actually seem to look forward to “being Married” in terms of a honeymoon and wedding party. When that stuff really is totally arbitrary. Marriage is a serious and sometimes stressful pact that deserves to treated with more dignity and honest work than it has been given of late. Much of that is as a result of the worthless generation that I am a part of, nobody works hard unless it is directly serving them.

(b) People get married then think they can just keep up the same old shit that they had before, same guy friends, same schedule, same partying ways, all of the things they had in single life, and it just ain’t so I am afraid. You do those things and I assure you of only one thing, divorce. You cannot have both, then when you add children and fiscal responsibility that further depletes the “Fun fund” and bickering moves in, and you make the mistake of venting to your friends, your fate is sealed.

(c) It isn’t your friends marriage, it’s yours. So shut your mouth. If you feel strongly about something, step aside with your spouse and tell them how you feel. If you say it in a well put together manner they cannot attack you for it. If they do, then perhaps you made a poor selection in your spouse (and that falls on you and you alone). If you don’t do this, you will only make yourself open to affair or mistakes. The simple fact that you brought your domestic issues out into public is a violation of loyalty, you are already on your way out. It’s just not as hard as you might think to become disillusioned with your spouse and start fancying another person, then friendship, then you bond over (ironically) your troubles with your current and now you have emotionally been unfaithful so you might as well cap that fucker and get a $12/hour motel room.

VI: Cultural Differences
(a) I won’t even get into the morality and healthiness of the issue. But in all seriousness, do people understand the difference between right and wrong anymore? It certainly doesn’t seem so. Aside from that, the article and its tools of rationalization bring up cultural norms and differences from American Marital views vs. other countries. Last I checked, I am American, residing in America. So for me to expect the vows I agreed to are going to be upheld, shouldn’t be that ridiculous a notion (AND we have to get a license, so its in paper, contractually binding – I’m in for life, hate it or love it).

(b) I don’t give two shits what France or Finland think. It isn’t my problem, I didn’t marry a French broad, so that makes no difference. I mean, if you’re going to use other places why not add the Middle East where men have culturally taken many brides but if the women looks sideways at another her life ceases to exist or places in Asia where if either spouse should dissolve the family they both have a date with the Iron Horse? The reason is, because it won’t suitably rationalize your morally defunct ways.

(c) The culture in America at least fundamentally was that a man and his wife be faithful to one another. I believe that is how it should remain. I would take no interest in anything other than that. In fact, previously I established my wishes for children and a wife whom I would be eternally faithful to, but should I not meet a woman that I could trust to be as committed and loyal to the family as I, I would select to never marry and I would do so without any regret or renege. I would still desire children and without them, would likely view my life as incomplete, but I would rather suffer the consequences internally than pollute this world anymore than it already is with a dysfunctional family resulting in children that I cannot raise properly because of our family situation. Thanks, but no thanks.

VII: Human Nature
(a) I am a firm believer in human nature, it is one of the biggest tools in reading people and their intentions or actions. This article has many different people arguing in different directions, most of which is just one using an angle to try and convey their own points. Simply put, like statistics, you can use such fluid theories as human nature to prove whatever it is you desire.

(b) The argument that “men will be men” or that it’s in our animal nature to engage with multiple sexual partners is somewhat sensible but the way in which it is described in this article completely invalidates the argument. In fact, if you wanted to make that argument I would counter with, then what makes a human different from the animal? I had always believed it was because we claim to be civilized and rational beings, but if you are saying that we cannot even keep our word and keep from sleeping with others (or fighting primal urges) then I would argue we are no different than animals. But I disagree with that. I believe we all have our primal instincts, it was instilled genetically to ensure we procreate, it is then up to our intellect to turn it on and off and control it. Meaning, it can be done, it is meant to be done (if it weren’t meant to be controlled, we wouldn’t have widespread disease and other things resulting from too much “fertilization”).

(c) It is that control which makes the difference in everything we do, every decision we make, and how far we allow things to go. With regards to sexual satisfaction, it is no different than a drug, you get a little bit crave more, scratch that itch and crave some more, until it evolves into a necessity for a higher drug or more of that drug in combination with others. Sex is no different, over exposure early on will desensitize and result in desires of more and more often. You will eventually grow an addiction to either the thrill of the chase, the kill or the act. Like everything else in life, great in moderation. You and you alone control your urges to drink, smoke, abuse drugs, lie, cheat, steal, and even fornicate. So to blame this on human nature, cultural differences, spouses sex drive, stress, emotions toward others or any other bullshit rationalization you choose is nothing more than smoke and mirrors used to hide from your guilt and utter pathetic lack of accountability and self control.


In Conclusion:
I believe my word is binding, I live that way and I would choose no other way to live. If I was put into a marriage that for reasons other than infidelity or disloyal behavior was emotionally defunct, I would still make sure to live it out (much like watching my sports teams, I ride it to the end). Once I have children, I am in it for my life. I can honestly say, I could even hate my spouse almost entirely, but I would never vocalize that to her or the children, I would just find a way to adapt and perceiver. This isn’t to say that I desire this or wouldn’t be upset over it, but I view it as the repercussions of perhaps my poor decision making. I made a promise to this girl to support her in good and bad through all things and she would be the mother of my children, therefore, I will do as I promised with absolutely no equivocation. I will fulfill my responsibilities and do so in the most joyous manner possible. Obviously, if she were to cheat or be what I refer to as “Disloyal to the union” I would have no choice but to dissolve our relationship and make the best of things without said spouse. I would never again remarry nor would I see any reason to pursue other women in that vein. I can say this with zero doubt in my mind at 25 years of age. If you cannot, then you are not ready to make a decision of such importance and repercussion as marriage because you don’t even know yourself yet well enough to even attempt to understand another.