"The Ringers"

Preface:
Without question my lack of patience for all things incompetent does not help this situation; but the annoying cell phone; rings, beeps, buzzes, tunes and other audibles has got to end. I have my cell phone on a low vibrate, and my office phone turned off completely, just the blinking light. I spend half my day walking around the office, working on my computer and driving in my car and I would bet I have missed less than 2% of phone calls I have received this past year. I simply do not understand the need for loud and obnoxious sounds emulating from your little device. Then, you factor in the ""space-people", you know the assholes with the ear phone plugged directly into their brain - iPhones, ear phones...I'd like to make it their ass phone.

Spaceman:
The stupid blue tooth ear plugs are enough to make me lose my mind; first you have that little blue light coming from the side of their head, then when it goes off there is that little high pitch "DING" that I hear all over the place then people start talking into thin air like a bunch of fucking zombies. Worse yet is the friend that has the stupid thing in and is carrying a conversation with you, then "DING" and he is off with somebody else, then all the sudden he picks up again with me. Hey asshole, one at a time -- I won't feel slighted, tell me to piss off and I will do so, or you take the fucking bug out of your ear and converse like a couple of men. Then as if they are trying to tell the world of their importance and ability to speak to God through the earpiece (or so it seems) these people SHOUT like they are talking to someone across the street. It is completely annoying and ridiculous.

The Cell Phone Idiot:
This is the most common form of electronic communicator. This person ranges in age from a home-schooled 35 years old to a gray bush. They have this cell phone probably given to them as a novelty gift from some other incompetent asshole (I mean seriously, who gives old dimwits phones then doesn't take the time to explain their function). Then factor in that once they took the space gear out of the nifty box it comes in, they didn't take the minute to shuffle through the instructions or functions page? So now, when the phone rings they have no idea how to shut this thing up, they stare at it like it will respond like a pet.

Everyday, I sit in my office and listen to the buzzing phones (which as I said, can be put on silent and all your job is with regard to your phone is observe the screen lighting up or the blinking red light -- not a difficult task). In fact, it is probably good practice, most people are so blind to the world and unobservant that it would do them some good to try and focus on more than just their self interest. Then move that over to your cell phone, its smaller so, you may need to use vibrate, which is fine -- unless its on a hard surface in a public place that is typically associated with quiet time. Just set it on your thigh or some other sensitive area, so when it goes off, you and ONLY you know its time to talky talky. Here is the really hard part, when you answer the call, the person has a speaker in their ear and you have a very sensitive microphone by your mouth, all you need to do is say "hello, my name is..." in a tone no louder than you would say to me if I walked into your office, they can hear you, trust me!

Constructive Criticism:
Just do the world a favor, look at the manual for Christ's sake, figure your phone out before you put it into play. I sit in my office and literally 3-6 times a day the "Administrative Assistant's" cell phone goes off and my office sounds like the fucking Donkey Kong is jumping through my office and it takes literally the entire length of the song for her to understand what to do next. First you look down like "what is that?" -- What's that? Are you kidding me? Do you often hear Donkey Kong playing in your purse? What the hell is the matter with you!? then comes the grasp the phone and stare at the screen to determine who it is (when you know for sure it is most likely 1 of 4 possible people you interact with regularly) then lastly the pause of do I answer it and possibly disrupt the office quiet? TOO LATE! A marching band could have been less disruptive to me. Answer it and PLEASE be sure to scream into the mic as loud as possible, the neighboring offices are now interested too.

All of this could have been avoided by being proactive and silencing your phone then placing it in a place that would allow you to be alerted to your incoming calls, then immediately you get up and leave the room to answer if you simply cannot control the volume of your voice or be progressively reactive and understand by physical memorization (not just knowing where it is, but practice this maneuver because in a crisis or in a state of panic you will not react accurately and you might as well just let the fucker ring on once your have passed the 1.65 seconds rule) as to where the "mute" button on your phone is located, to then silence the call and take all the time it takes for you to contemplate whether you are mentally prepared to take this call, then do so accordingly.