Welcome to the Friend Zone

Preface:
Since I recently explained the need to remove the "Male Friend" from the equation, I figured it would be kind of fun to see exactly how they came to be a fixture to begin with. I suppose there are two types of "male friend"; the guy who works the girl and the guy who got worked by the girl. Most guys have a little experience in both positions, albeit, the majority of guys probably have most of their experience being stuck in the "Friend Zone".

Just a playa:
The guy that digs his filthy fingernails into a decent girl and fails to relinquish control whether she likes it or not is your prototypical “gamer”. Naturally, women undoubtedly will be deserving of a share of the fault for (a) even allowing this piece of garbage within the confines of her home, to begin with (b) not having the foresight to predict the guy is working her (c) after being jostled, not having the wherewithal to get rid of the loser. But, in all reality, the unsuspecting girl was a victim of circumstances. She wasn’t going to be able to run from the predator even if she had been warned beforehand (partially because of the natural allure to trouble or the sense of danger/mystery that is provided by these pieces of trash). The guy has been plotting and setting this up since the moment he laid eyes on you. He had a game plan, an exact idea of how he was going to play his cards (probably outlined on the back of his “Playboy foldout calendar”. You aren’t going to have a chance if you go up against someone with a plan and motivation, if you yourself don’t have a plan or motivation. You will fall prey to them no matter what you think or say.

The “Gamer plan”:
He meets you, he is sort of quiet early. He is trying to make his presence known but his interaction directly with you is minimal as possible. He is playing off his friends or other girls he knows there in a way to get the attention he thrives on, but also to get your attention without tipping you off to his intentions. He also is showing you his versatility, showing he is comfortable in social setting, and girls dig him. So you should too. It is a classic move used by inadequate men, eons old. Eventually, you will ask about him, and he will know it. Because it’s a set up, he has one eye on you throughout the entire thing, and if this social setting has other guys on scene, he will constantly be close by, not close enough for you to see it coming, but close enough to fly in with a surprise bombing should some other “gamer” attempt to swoop in on their prey. Once he notices or has been alerted as to your inquiry, he will “randomly” “bump” into you, making it seem just surreal. If you have not obviously asked about him, he will step his game up and take the direct approach, bumping into you or somehow setting up some team oriented game or flippy cup or bags with you in the game (note: he will NOT be your teammate, that is too close too fast. Opponent is best). By being your opponent he will have access to a socially accepted norm of “picking” or teasing you about your game (or lack thereof) if you are a piss poor player, he will tease then follow up with compliments such as “jus kiddin’” or “naw iz kool”. If you are the least bit competent at the game he will start out fast then slowly relinquish his grip on the lead to you, picking on you early, then slowly moving into self deprecation as he hands you the victory to give you an inflated sense of confidence (prime picking). This victory socially dictates the possibility of a little friendly hug or high five, some exchange of contact, and he is inside. From there, the approaches can vary from dipshit to dipshit, all of which, similar in origin but they will base on initial talks and attention, but still off beat and not too obvious. He will get your number or if he is a real superstar, he gives his (showing confidence in his status with you – more alluring yet). He will then go home and start game planning for his first time out with you, he will need to be poignant but not enough to be cheesy and ruin his mystique. Meanwhile, you just go home and say what a cool guy I met. FASTFORWARD: After a few dates he will seal the deal by what I call “adapt and overcome” , which is a nice little maneuver that basically gives you a working outline for every time you are together, I want this delivery to be sweet or stern or whatever I believe through my research on her past will provide the best results. Then you go to work, and as she unveils more sides to her personality, you make mental notes and tune your game accordingly. “This shit is chess, it ain’t checkers” as they say, and that is proven by his ability to improvise, and her inability to defend her position.

The Fix is in:
He has gotten everything he needs/wants from you. It didn’t take him long either, so he has plenty of time to hang you on. He will waiver on commitment and intentions, he will make all the major appearances of a guy that is interested, but he is really just still playing his game to set the hook so a hard pull by you won’t free the line. There are many different ways to keep the girl zeroed in, but few work better than guilt. (Note: It is to be mentioned we are talking about the girls that have fallen victim to the douche bag, not girls that openly date trash) The next part of this game is really difficult to verbalize, but at best, I will say the guy and girl will feud a little over his non-commitment to her, but also, if he were to come around, she would drop everything like a hot potato. He knows this and will chase it like a rat to cheese. You two will drift apart, you may start seeing other guys and he is most certainly seeing other girls, mainly because he never stopped. But every so often he makes his late phone call, his plan B, C, or D. Early on in this part of the game, he will follow those all nighters up with a nice day event or hanging out a couple times in a row, to make it feel respectable to you (not cause he cares, but he knows this circumvents your alarm system). As the time goes on, those extras go away as he has you pretty well immune to it. Then the final part is impossible to explain other than to say, he has become like an addiction, or a crutch. You can’t shake him, even when he calls late and you know he has nothing good intended for you, you cannot say no. You have been had. This entire thing was a set up, he worked you and had it planned out since the second he saw you and decided you were wreckable.

The Lovable Loser:
The other guy; this guy is a nice guy, means well, but cannot seem to muster the courage needed to stake his claim. He is the guy who sits back and watches all these scum bags fire away at the girl he secretly loves, cringing at every moment. But he wasn’t always in this spot, after all, she does like him, she does tell him everything and spend lots of time with him. Often more time than she does with the guys she actually dates. How did I get here, he asks?

Take off:
The guy met her at a friend’s house party; but unlike the “gamer”, this guy couldn’t take his eyes off of her, not because he was plotting, but because he couldn’t even focus on anything else in the room. Unable to move about the party or put a show on due to his lack of focus caused by the showstopper he is already day dreaming of. He will make a plan of his own, and it will be to get one moment with her, just one opportunity, and he will spend the entire night in agony and vomit inducing anxiety working his way up to her. He will likely complete a half dozen “Fly bys” (aborted attempts, based on gut instincts saying the environment is too risky). He will most likely get his moment either by accident or by a friend that knows her and unsuspectingly throws him into the fire. When he gets his moment he will be very complimentary, nervous, but sweet and polite. While in a completely different way, she will gain positive feedback from him. She will leave without his number or maybe even his name. She will have pleasant thoughts of him, nothing exciting, but nothing damning either.

Turn and Burn:
He will ask his friend from the party, about her. In fact, he will do it so much that its clear he has become fixated on her. His friends will tell him where she lives, hangs and with whom. While he is probably a little disconcerted with her choice of friends and local hangouts, he will forgive it for the shot at the title. He will run to the store, step up his appearance and begin to “hangout” in her area. Not all the time nor alone, but he will regularly suggest to the same friends to go in her area (knowing he needs her to see him with them to place the face). Finally, he strikes gold, runs into her at a local restaurant, they catch eyes, pause and then it clicks for her. He makes it brief as to not appear to have thought of her and play it cool, and she the same, only because she literally has NOT thought about him since the first meeting. He will then leave and review his plan, “She goes to the place on 4th street. OK, that’s a start”. So he can now go there alone as the face is placed, she knows his name. He returns the next week, same date, nearly the same time assuming she is a regular (judging by the way she strolled through the place as if she had done it a million times). Strikes again, this time he approaches her to seem a little more confident. She responds pleasingly and offers her number due to their obvious common enjoyment of the area (of course, not knowing he actually hates it and thinks her friends are worthless – he did this to get a chance with her, but she doesn’t need to know that, at least yet anyways).

Call the Ball:
He waits a week and give her a text to see if she will respond, knowing, the zero response is dating code for disinterested. To his delight she responds immediately, he tells her he will give her a call next weekend and she agrees “it’s a plan”. The whole week prior to his call he is again in angst over what to say? Where to go? Should he bring friends or go solo? All of these things so unsure. Finally he works the nerve to call her and get it moving. As she speaks with confidence so too does he, working his way to asking her out to dinner, skipping the friends padding BS that he despised anyways. She accepts his offer and they plan for the night. As he picks her up, he is very courteous and kind, complimenting her on her appearance and her humor. Building her up similarly to the way the douche bag did, only, it works conversely for the friend zone guy. He builds her up so much in his mind, that he almost convinces himself she is too good for him. He makes it a holy grail of sorts and only makes it more difficult for himself to calm. On the date (due to his respect for her, he is not touchy feely, he follows a very organized code) he only touches her while opening doors, pulling a chair and even then, the contact is no more than a soft hand on the small of the back or on the shoulder (completely strategic locations). He may get a playful tap in somewhere along the night, but he has already convinced himself he isn’t yet worthy of holding her hand or being sexually suggestive yet, if ever. He will do this time and time again, different dates that he puts tons of thought into, they are the bright spot of his week and yet, he cannot get himself to make that move on her by going for the kiss or getting physical because on one hand, he isn’t worthy (in fact, nobody is) and on the other hand, what if she says no? He will get shot down with the girl of his dreams, it’s all over in a blink and now he has nothing. At least at current he has dates with her to enjoy. He is stuck between fear of the unknown and fear of the imagination. Because as it sits, he fails to understand that she gave the number, she took the first date, she is interested enough to do that, she is interested enough to go forward, she accepting the next dates means she thought enough to think about you, and inevitably think of “what could”. But you dismiss it in your fears and let your window begin to close. After date number three with the same great start and thud ending she is beginning to think you are just not into her in that way, she is confused or thinks you’re a queer. Partially because you have been so physically ridged but also because the guys she dated in the past have conditioned her to feel that it’s totally acceptable to go for the screw by date three, make intentions be known before date two and on date one, if all signs are a go, steal a kiss. As a result, you are a bore and you can clock your time left in the driver’s seat with an egg timer. You have fallen hard for her and on your final date you try to make that move, you line it up perfect, but just as you are about to lay the cards down a mutual friend shows up or a crazy situation arises and your shot dissolves right in front of your eyes. You can almost feel the wind escape your sails as she exits your vehicle and says “well, see ya later”. You know your fate, you have fallen into an unrecoverable tailspin.

Crash and Burn:
Soon she starts calling you, texting you, teasing you, hanging out with you without makeup and in her sweats. Telling you about douche bags that she is going out with and girl drama. Suddenly you have become a complete fag and you cannot escape it without telling her you’re moving to Siberia. Your friends all laugh at you (if they know the story, which they don’t because you made some BS up to cover your ass). You feel pathetic and like you completely failed to collect on the lotto ticket that was right there to be had. Meanwhile, you are still clinging to the hope she will have a heart breaker moment and you can come clean house! But even those moments don’t play out the way you needed. She ends up passing out or getting too drunk for you to get serious or take advantage of her broken heart. You have been relegated to the “Friend Zone” and no matter what you do or say, you will never get out of it. You will sit by her side as she dates every guy you have come to hate and you will just swallow your pride because at least in this cluster fuck of a scenario, you have her in some capacity.

In Conclusion:
I suppose not much else needs to be said for the douche bag of a “Gamer”. His intentions are well documented, his effects on the girl and subsequently, every guy she ever dates are despicable and inescapable. The “Friend Zone” guy is in a somewhat different position. He is actually friends with the girl (albeit by default) but there is clearly some sort of connection with her; not what he had in mind, but he is at least at the dinner table. The thing about his situation is, while he misplayed his hand and while he may have lost out on his girl (only about 3% of “friend zoners” get the girl in the end, according to the US Census) he has the opportunity to meet another hardbody simply by being with her when she goes out with her other girlfriends (of course pulling the switch can be tougher than getting out of the “friend Zone” but he doesn’t know that yet). The sad part of this is that the scum bag got what he wanted and left a path of ruin in his wake and the nice guy got nada for all of his efforts, intentions and anxiety filled sleepless nights. But in actuality the nice guy fell for her appearance and how she made him feel, in the end, he hated all of her friends, he hated the places she frequented and she repeatedly fell for the douche bag, so in some ways, it might all be for the better that his dream was left intact along with his mental stability.