Enough with the "Male Friend"

Preface:
“Beware the company she keeps for they will betray you.” Integrity is something few people have and even fewer maintain. It is all we have and yet it sells for nothing. In desperation (or prosperity, for that matter) people will lie, steal and cheat to get what they fancy. No better example exists than in relationships and your girlfriend's “male friends.”

There exists an immense quandary that is extensively present in today's relationships and it's called “male friends”. A lot of shameless men would pilfer your lady right beneath your nose with little or no concern for anyone but themselves. The reasons for breaking what used to be an unwritten man-code are many; either through a lack of integrity, plain selfishness, desperation for love and affection or even jealousy. Experience has proven many guys would take what is not theirs whilst leaving you moderately confused as to what has even happened (if you had your head buried in the sand) or in an uncontrollably violent rage (if you had the proper prudence).

While I do put a portion of blame on the men who have allowed this to defeat them, a sect of women are predominantly to blame for this. Often their love/need for external validation is so prevalent that it has become an addiction to them. They manufacture a disproportionate self-esteem by the way they internalize the often contrived compliments and attention they received from others and it is a very harsh habit to break. Once these women engage in relationships and receive withdrawal symptoms from not having complete degenerates shamelessly clawing and attending to their psyche every weekend, a strange feeling of self-doubt or loss of power settles in.

There are however girls who don't derive all of their self-esteem from external validation, but still have those irritating “male friends”. Most of the time those girls have just brushed it off and made excuses for their friend's behaviors. In this case, it will be easy for her to let go of them. With women of this caliber often all you need to do is calmly talk to her about it in a nonthreatening manner and have her become aware of what's going on and the level of strain or annoyance that is in turn left on you. Generally speaking, if such a conversation is held in a rational and completely non-argumentative fashion you will find it easy to amicably resolve your differences.

His & Hers:
It is more than OK to have friends within a relationship but they need to be friends both of you can trust. They need to be people who completely respect the boundaries within your relationship. The men must comprehend the level of pain which will be inflicted upon them should they be caught on the wrong side of the line and likewise the girls, whether they be friends of his or hers, have got to understand that their situate will be a distant secondary role in relation to both he & she. Accepting anything less than this would make a fool of you and in actuality it should make a fool of anyone who would condone such malevolence.

There lays a compromise that most men are faced with: Allow yourself to fall for her and welcome a relationship but conceding to allow her to keep the male companions around for validation. Which will allow her to feel as though she is trusted and has freedom of choice in her relationship, resulting in perhaps a happier her. All the while, you pretend to not be bothered when she constantly texts her “friend” who is well-beyond too touchy for your liking (and in many cases a person, whose neck you would snap if she left you two alone long enough to dispose of his lifeless corpse). Which, like most guys who cannot stand it, you just keep your mouth shut and completely suppress your displeasure with the arrangement as long as is feasible.
Now, you aren’t particularly pleased with it but feel situational helplessness. You know something is rancid but feel like there is nothing you can do to control it. You have made far too many rationalizations in your head for this sort of behavior. You don't want to appear needy and overbearing nor ultra-macho, so you just continue to suppress in effort to not find confrontation as the situation worsens by the day (within your head or possibly in actuality).

Occasionally men find the strength and courage to object to their girlfriend and her situation, but doing so knowing it only ends up in an argument. Never argue with your woman, she's better at it. The argument doesn't go nearly as you planned it (or as Mike Tyson once said “Everybody has a plan until they get punched in the face”). Once the plan gets tossed out the window and understanding how she judges the score, once you lose control, its lights out. Thus you just end up feeling guilty for something that will never sit right with you anyways.

She can tell you he’s just a friend (hell she can sing it if she wants to) because no matter what she says and whether you believe it (or not) it will never settle and will never be OK within your mind. You cannot digest the feeling of knowing that she has friends that are far too close for comfort meanwhile you happily dumped your female acquaintances reasonably soon after you met her and decided the playing days were up. That soon gives way to the grudging thoughts of believing you have done everything it takes to succeed in this relationship, while she hasn’t been the least bit willing to do the same for you and thus welcoming the beginning of the end.

Most guys never take the chance or time to be forthright from the start. That is a big step (not to a successful relationship, but rather a healthy approach to at least disallowing yourself to become lost in your anger, courtesy of your situation). Surprisingly, many guys are far more willing to lay the friends down softly and just tend to their family and work at hand than are our female counterparts. As a guy who would without question toss my contacts (male and female) into the trash bin if I thought it would allow “us” to have a more successful life together without a second thought. It can be rather difficult to understand or even co-exist with a woman that wouldn’t do the same. But few men ever set the tone early, most are just happy to be there to begin with. While totally cliché, an important question to ask any time you feel like there is a male friend of hers that you don't quite trust. Is she focused on the relationship and loyal to the common cause above herself enough to let go of anyone who threatens it (without reason or excuse)? Or does she enjoy the high she gets from external validation more? If the answer is yes that she does want to protect the relationship then the male friend needs to go.

Note:
(without question this isn’t saying both parties shouldn’t have friends and division of themselves in order to keep things from turning into “his & hers” but there must be a limitation, if the man feels the other guy is a distraction, the fuckers', got to go. And the same would go if the girl objected to female acquaintances of the man -- Though its recommended for men to set the tone early by example and cut ties with the other women.)

admonition:
Before ever bringing this up, do check to make sure it's not your own paranoia that is running the show because she is completely within her rights to befriend a male with acceptable intentions (especially the gay male friend - who by most accounts is harmless but rather difficult to be around because while he looks and sounds like a girlfriend, he still has that man-sized Adam’s apple that you just cannot seem to ignore). Does he make inappropriate compliments? Text or call her more than a friend should? Give her hugs that last a little too long? Sometimes your own caution can be your own enemy. Then of course there is the unfavorable situation with the girl that can’t seem to un-friend her ex or ex hookup. Allow me to solve this for you before you even break a sweat. Get out of there, now. It is an unworkable situation, there is absolutely zero excuse for it. I have been in a situation similar to this and the only thing I could think of when being in the room with either the girl and he, or just he and myself was where exactly I wanted to place my shot grouping? Where to bury? How to remove DNA? Those normal male thoughts when faced with ex-anything’s. If women understood the strain that puts on even the most confident of males they would never EVER begin a relationship with baggage as heavy as that.

Most women aren't used to dating guys with any integrity and character whatsoever. They are used to holding onto to male friends who over step their boundaries and having their boyfriends (fixed in Affliction attire and goofy pure white, ankle high tennis shoes that if forced to go into a full sprint would tear your Achilles within 15 yards – completely impractical attire) not say a word about it. She might be upset with you bringing this topic up and try and turn it around on you. Don't listen to any of the arguments and hold your ground because the terms will be absolute, and you will be better for it. You will live longer and avoid jail time at the very least. I have no idea if it will win you the girl or keep you status quo but I do know that the more men who show some integrity and maintain discipline the better chance we all have in exiling the dreaded “male friend”.


She will again repeat that her friends are just Platonic "buddies I've known since college" and they maybe, but allowing them any closer than arms length would be an risk that far outweighs it's rewards. If she absolutely refuses to get rid of him then your answer is clear? Negative on air support. she is not providing any insurance to protect the relationship. At that time you are the one who needs to make a choice and ask yourself two questions a) “Do I really want to be with this auto wreck of a girl?” or more importantly, b) “Can I mentally even survive a situation such as this?”. If the answer to either of these question is even remotely negative, my advice to you is to just walk away. Grab your shit, and walk out the door, saying not a single word, just focus on the deletion of all of her contact info (typically the digit "7" is delete, in case you get flustered) as you confidently stride towards the steps.

The "Male Friend", that's a laugh.