Preface:
I recently had a run-in with an in-mall "Kiosk salesman". It is probably not one of my prouder moments, but it certainly did yield a fabulous outcome. The following post is a real life encounter with a salesperson, followed by a brief synopsis on what I learned from my aggressive outburst and how I think it can be applied to other sales people.
Kiosk Fanook:
I was recently shopping for a new pair of basketball shoes (I always go to footlocker because the people that work there are so fucking lazy that they almost never bother me). While I was strolling by, I noticed a cell phone Kiosk (normally I use better judgment and avoid Kiosks because typically they are managed by chicken-shit pussy jadrools with “Sonic the Hedgehog hairdos”) but as it were, I need a new cell phone and am sort of on the fence about what to get. Now, not to be too arrogant but, I am checking phones and reading the info on them with no intention of asking for help. I am quite certain I don’t need the assistance of some high school dropout with acne and too much cologne on. But you know how this shit always goes, in fact, so do I, clearly against my better judgment.
As you can be sure, the fanook came wandering over with a little swagger (which further pissed me off. I guess, I assume if I had hit that same life-low-point I would walk with my head down in shame – to each his own) he says “Yo guy, how can I help you today? What phone do you rock now?” within my mind I answered him by saying “go fuck yourself you absolutely worthless piece of garbage.” But instead, I try to be a little more patient and understanding of his needs and role in the world. So I tell the guy, “Thank you for checking into my needs, I however need no assistance at this time. You name is? 'Kyle', well 'Kyle', I will get a hold of you should I need anything. Thank you.” He then walked away, but only for a moment, then returning with a handful of phone shit – “we have a special on this and that with a contract and if you want to buy this out of” – I abruptly responded, “Kyle, I am not interested in making a purchase today with you, a purchase of any kind.” My natural patience level will only allow for a second attempt from a sales person, especially a Kiosk boner. My third response comes when he approaches me again saying I should buy something with the holiday around the corner “perhaps something for the Mrs. Or momz” as I believe he posed it. This was a poor decision on his part because this sort of generic terminology in reference to my “girlfriend, wife or mother” I find to be both disrespectful and insulting. Call me crazy, but the second “momz” came out of his mouth, I was already on the edge of flipping the kiosk over and turning his already shitty life upside down. I just instead said “Listen, you fucking grease-stain, I told you politely twice, at this point I just don’t want to hear your fucking mouth anymore. Now piss off.” I then watched as he tried to get all “badass looking” at me like, “Dude, if this were the Bronx, we would have an old fashion knife fight”. Instead he sheepishly walked away from me.
A New System of Thought:
I know it isn’t a proud moment to be me, yeah, I yelled at some Kiosk warrior, but it did need to be done, because I am sick of these little bastards. They are like cockroaches. But honestly, it got me thinking about how to handle all these people that cold call or “inside market” you. The system is simple, first time a polite “no thank you.” Second time a stern “I am not interested, please don’t call me.” And if forced into a third communicative reaction, expect a violent verbal assault coming to you. But, when you think about it, three times is as much as 3 minutes of talk time wasted when a few words should suffice. So, going forward, I utilize softball rules and give 2 strikes. First call, I say, thank you for your offer but I don’t care to hear from you anymore. Second call, I just unload on you until you get that I think very little of you.
This doesn’t just go for lowly kiosk workers, this goes for the businesses that call me at work repeatedly, the contractors that try to pinch me or even the friends referral that lead some Insurance salesman to my door step looking for a handout. Listen, I am sorry the economy sucks, that you picked a shitty college or that you didn’t go to college at all and now want to make shall we say “educated money”, but I don’t give a shit and I am not interested in helping you. For the next kid who calls me to talk investments or insurance, I hear you, I see you (unfortunately) I understand you were trained by big league sleaze to talk over and through people in order to get the quota, unfortunately for you, I am far more intelligent than you and I am not going to tolerate your “aggressive marketing”. Now, I am not a complete son of a bitch, either. So I’ll explain your options; call me on reference, tell me who referred you to me, how you know them & and your education level. I will tell you immediately my interest level in working with you in the future. If you try to aggressively go after my sale, I will just explode in a violent verbal outburst and you will be left tattered and offended.
Conclusion:
I implore you to take my approach on and stop letting these weasels get away with actively calling us and 'facebooking’ us until out of literal desperation we agree to meet with them “to drum up contacts”. Sure, if it’s a “1st or 2nd cut friend”, meet with him, share your network, but if it’s even a borderline person, tell the fuck to take a walk. Otherwise, I am just going to continue looking like the unsympathetic prick despite everybody secretly being envious that I no longer get bothered by sales pitches (whether it’s because I no longer have friends or because I am so miserable to be around that even salesman shy away). Because the truth is I refuse to sit around thinking to myself “this asshole annoys the hell out of me and for what? I am 25 w/o a family, and he thinks I want Life Insurance!” . When the people call me I will actually say it to their face (I once told a friend referral that I was out of work, without education, without family and without friends – interestingly enough, he didn’t want to meet up for “drinks” thereafter). Similarly for the sales clerk, I understand the shopping strategy, I also know your job has a quota. So, if I need something, I’ll find you. If I don’t, I will just look & leave at my leisure, if you annoy me more than one time, I am going to just tell you what I think of you, your manager, and the shitty store I am about to leave.
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