Just Fill This Out?

Preface:
I will share this because to be honest, it is too damn funny to keep to myself. Last month a friend of mine was doing a college research project in Sociology; her objective was to determine what exactly people are attracted to in another. In her study she used online dating sites as the tool and had 100+ people (men & women) fill out their survey or eHarmony profile (no photos provided). She charted all of the “hits” or conversational requests and began linking them with specific details provided by individual profiles. The goal being, to discover a consistent variable between those sought after and those seemingly completely ignored.

Here is where the humor comes in, I was asked to fill a profile out and did so happily. After filling it out, she told me to send it back to her for her to post (without my name on it) so it would be impossible for her to be bias when she was trying to make her determinations.

Generally speaking (and she agreed) I am a pretty charismatic person, I don’t tend to be shy nor the type of person who struggles to meet people, particularly those of the opposite sex. Generally their first impressions of me vary (from a complete prick to likable) but at the end of the day I get along with most women (as far as they know, anyways). So, after the results were in and she realized “Subject 11” as was my title, had literally ZERO communication requests, she was baffled by it, because a lot of “lesser social skilled” men were getting hits off the charts. She then emailed me to tell me I was the LEAST desirable person in the survey and she wanted to read my profile to see if it was some sort of joke or if I purposely fucked the profile up to skew things (which I told her I did not). I sent her my profile and she looked it over and before I could even close out of the email screen, my cell phone began to ring.

“Are you the fucking UNIBOMBER?” she exclaimed.

The following is my profile (which was in truth my actual feelings, but obviously if I were trying to fool a girl into dating me, I’d probably be a little more clandestine in the future):

Name: Subject 11
Profession: Financial Services/Real Estate
Education: BA + Certs
School(if you choose): Marquette
Religion: Baptized Catholic

Interests:
I consider myself a pretty decent person. I try to manage a social life along with my career. I believe education is something that is lifelong and should always be a top priority. I have played sports all of my life and still attend a host of games and play in leagues with friends from college and high school. I believe I have a wide variety of interests; musically I enjoy about anything (other than techno mixes and anything provided by a DJ -- headaches form immediately) I like both modern and traditional country, a variety of rock, hip hop & R&B. I actually grew up listening to early 1900's Jazz so I suppose that is a little random. As for reading, I typically don't enjoy fiction, I would prefer to read about subject matters or people whom I know little about. Keeping with the theme; I like going to movies, although I don’t actually find most of the modern movies coming out very appealing. I love 80’s action flicks, occasional chick flicks or drama movies, but ultimately I could watch Clint Eastwood or old Westerns nonstop. Thankfully, I am the type of person that could re-watch the same old movie 1,000 times without ever getting sick of it. In a sense, I have to see myself in the character in order to truly relate to and thus enjoy a film.

Per the usual, I like to go out with friends for drinks or to a ball game. I love tailgating for just about any sport or concert and would be happy doing that every Saturday! As for the bar scene though, I certainly have seen my share of bars and while I don’t mind going out with friends for dinner and drinks on occasion, I would like to see my presence in “boozing establishments” begin to decline significantly. I can happily state that my “work for the weekend” days are well beyond their expiration date.



Your Personality:
I respect versatility; while I always thought highly of the people at work or in classes who had the highest grades, the people that impressed me the most were those who had the fewest areas of weakness.

I would say I am a pretty competitive person, I get sick to my stomach when I lose at anything, but while I don't like to lose, when I do, I try to maintain something from it. I generally know in life what I want and I go for it. I don't see any reason for quitting on what you want. I also, don't believe in entitlement at all, I firmly believe that in life you get what you put in, nothing more nothing less.


Looking For:
Obviously physical attraction is pretty important, I cannot say I have a specific look I that I will go for, but I tend to definitely know it when I see it. I generally prefer a girl who is driven and understands what it takes to succeed in life, but isn’t so fixated on “status and possessions” that she overlooks the small things in life. Ultimately, I find that women who understand themselves, have taken the time to figure out what they need/want in life & go about obtaining those things to possess that sort of confidence that you cannot fake and that I find tremendously attractive.

Dreams & Aspirations:
My financial aspirations are very much tied into my personal dreams because I am very driven to succeed, mostly due to my competitive nature. However for me, work is more of a means to an end than it is anything else. I get very little satisfaction out of my professional career no matter how successful it may become. I don’t measure myself in dollars and titles, but rather in what I ultimately am able to provide my family with. So in accordance with that my dreams are to watch my family grow around me. I want to see my wife happy and content with both herself and her lot in life (much in the way I am). I unfortunately don’t see a lot of the values that are important to me being instilled in the children of this generation and so my life’s work will be providing these important values and lessons for my own children. While it may take many sacrifices, and I look forward to each and all of them, it is most important to me that I am able to provide my children with everything possible in order to raise them to be well-adjusted, educated, driven adults.

Most people simply put “travel the world” in this section and here I could give a shit less about traveling. If I were to desire to remain single, I would probably be totally content living in the hills of Montanta just enjoying the clean air, beautiful landscape and knowing I haven't a neighbor within rifle-shot. Perhaps surprisingly, as a child I was given the privilege of traveling much of North America and it's surrounding islands and I loved every minute of it. I believe it had a great impact on me and I cannot wait to provide that for my own children. I would never stand in the way of taking my family to any destination in the world if it were their dream. Truth-be-told, I cannot stand traveling, I drive a 50 + miles just to go to and from work every day and if it were up to me, I wouldn’t even leave the cross street that I live on. I live right outside Chicago and I go 3 times a year, because some asshole forces me. When I want to vacation, I take consecutive days off and enjoy a long weekend at home or I go to either Milwaukee, Wi or New Orleans, LA (both destinations of which I have either lived in or visited over 25 times).

Last Impressions:
In summary, humorously dissimilar to the motto of our current President, “ I don’t like change.”


Her Remarks:
Seriously, you win the award for being the most single minded, already “irreversibly set in your ways” old man I have ever met. You accomplished all of these many feats before your 26th birthday and that is something to marvel at. Additionally, you are a gifted conversationalist who manages to garner the attention of many attractive women all the while concealing a sociopathic outlook on life and desire to be completely independent of “modern civilization”.

You do understand if you actually want to meet a girl that is even remotely attractive, you cannot go around telling them this, right? Seriously, you have to lie to make people like you!

My Remarks:
Yes, Yes & I know, I already do.