Monogamy isn't Monogam'US'

Preface:
This is a topic which to me is very important. This post initiates from an article on cnn.com titled "Mate debate: Is monogamy realistic". For me, I found it so angering that I initially wasn't even able to read this article all the way through. My opinions are based on not just this article, but unfortunately from the things I have witnessed among my peers (of all ages). To be very clear, my opinion of people who cheat is that they are selfish and worthless trash without a conscience nor any moral fiber. (It took everything within me to not erupt into a curse laden rant of epic proportions, and I can’t promise that it still won’t.)

I: Fundamental Differences

(a) My favorite quote from this piece was from a chap named “Mark” who didn’t have the nuts to include his last name. He is currently living within a Polyamory relationship (which is basically when two trashy sex addicted couples merge their households). Mark (I am certain his proverbial “hot potato” of a wife would do the same, but she reserved no comment in this article) makes a lot of points that are completely contradictory to what marriage was meant to be or what he agreed to on his wedding day. But he saves the best for last as he rationalizes his lifestyle by saying "This isn't about having affairs, it's really about being able to be open and loving,". Really Mark? Because from my seats that looks like exactly what it’s about. Tell me, if it’s not about the sex and it’s really about love and companionship, why keep the first broad in the first place? That seems rather moot.

(b) I honestly find it difficult to maintain multiple friendships with my guy friends and when asked “Would I like to have more friends that are women?” I would tell you, I never intended to have any to begin with. Not saying I don’t appreciate the few that I have, but having multiple women to just hang out with, talk and watch movies doesn’t exactly seem very worthwhile. Seriously, If my male friends do not get along or cannot mix, I either give one the boot or both because they aren’t worth the hassle (no offense to those friends I have). Women only complicate the matter more; I would have to put up with their drama with me, the drama with their girls, their guy drama, now you ADD sleeping with her and living near or with the other guy pegging her? Hell no. I would prefer Chinese torture, please.

(c) I don’t think I am the only guy that feels this way, either. I would guestimate that 70% of co-sex friendships are only the result of a guy trying desperately to nail some girl and then getting stuck in the previously dissected “Friend Zone”. So my apologies Mark, that is a rationalization. You like to get laid, and you have found a couple dumb enough or pathetically weak enough to allow you to be an infidel within your own home. You are a gleaming example of what a role model father should be!!!

II: Malevolence
(a) I seriously wonder what our future generations will be like. Will they have any morals, accountability or self control? Do people honestly believe you can raise our future in this style of household and be successful? If you do, you are mistaken and a pathetic fool. Just ask children of divorce how they felt as children, the complications of choosing sides. Then add that mom and dad live with another set of mom and dad and they have a fuck-swing instead of a chandelier in the entry. I cannot even imagine the confusion I would've had if I was raised in such a despicable place. Why not just live in Las Vegas with the rest of America’s Trash!

(b) The part here that just completely loses me in rage is the selfishness. Because you have a very clear choice as a young person. You can decide you want to be single and bang everything that walks, you can forgo having children and be trash and do copious amounts of drugs to pass the time, you can do pretty much anything you desire. It is a free country, so while I will pass judgment and probably think less of you, you’re still welcome to do as you please. The other option is to do the wife and family thing. It’s not a really difficult thing to do or decide on. Honestly, you are born and sort of drifting through our inept education system until about 16 or 17 before you start to get a feel for things and as fate would have it, from 18 to 23 you pretty much have nothing to do (and if you are really below the average intellect, you go to a garbage college or tech school and have EVEN LESS to do).

(c) Me personally, I drank a lot, but I saw a lot too, so I figure with as much boozing as I did, pretty much anyone can figure themselves out in that 5+ year span of zero responsibilities (unless of course you got pregers early or in high school, then you made your decision and the consequences should be yours and yours alone). So, instead of just floating around like lumps of shit for all of college and the first few years out of college, do a little investigating into yourself and to others. Do I foresee myself as a father? Do I love the idea of having a wife to be my friend and confidant for my life? Is it important for me to have my children raised within a strong household with TWO supportive parents that are committed to each other as well as the family? (great questions to start with). Or, do I prefer doing drugs, getting drunk and surrounding myself with other fake insecure people, bouncing up and down on bar flies and the occasional street girl? Do I have a list of sexual conquests I would like to achieve? If so, you are probably not a great candidate for marriage and children, especially if you start the family life prior to finishing your list. Simple things here. Not rocket science. Just spend some time getting to know yourself and women you are attracted to, that way you can forecast compatibility and not just stumble into what should be irreversible mistakes.

III: Social Consciousness
(a) I will use myself as a perfect example, I spent the early part of my college experience with older guys, seeing what all goes on, going to bars and watching the pace. I then spent the second two years boozing and watching a different group of guys and girls interact, a little younger group, but not too dissimilar to those I spent the first part with. In all of this, I really got to see what it was that I matched with or in my case (what I didn’t match with). I went on plenty of dates, some merely for practice or interest. I would know it wasn’t the caliber of girl I would marry but wasn’t someone that far off either. So there was no better way to look at the books than take her out and see what she is all about. I would make mental notes on all of these girls and the reactions I had to them; “whether I felt it would match with me or if it was too much in one direction or another”. Then I would watch the girls interact away from me, see how they behave and determine trustworthiness (most lack this). Then I graduated college and after never quite finding one that fit the grid, I took a roll of the dice (I think most everyone should at least try once to test themselves). This turned out to be the test of all tests and such a damning experience that I took a 2 year sabbatical from dating and women in general. Clearly proving that you have to understand what makes that other person tick before you go further and also that no advice on Earth is more valuable than the gut instincts.

(b) In all, I learned a lot about myself. I determined that it was probably better for me to get broken down and haggard in order for me to strengthen my core beliefs and to really take myself seriously about what I believed. I learned that very few do what they say and actually speak with conviction and that it was important to me that I become one of those few who do. Being able to come to these determinations and understandings at 23 years old perhaps is premature for many, but certainly attainable by 30 years of age.

(c) When all was said and done, and before I hit 24 years old, I determined that nothing was more important to me than having and raising my own children, and that I would prefer to do so with a women of moral fiber, little baggage and intelligence enough to identify what’s important in life and how to get it. That I would do so only on the condition it was a lifelong love affair that wouldn’t be broken up by stupidity, selfishness or lack of loyalty. Something I could guaranty if for no other reason than I would accept nothing less in return and would want nothing else shown as an example to my children. Knowing everything I do and say has repercussions I believe it is completely under my control as to whether I am faithful to my family (it’s not just the wife you destroy).


IV: Internalized
(a) With the way things turned out in my first “real relationship” I could have just as easily gone the other route. It wouldn’t be within my personality to do so, but I could have turned to using drugs or boozing up to fight the anger that had consumed me, I could have began womanizing or just said piss on it and moved on without women. I decided to rebuild and strengthen the fort, but many do not and that is their decision. Had I decided women are a disaster and I want no part in having them as a trusted ally, I would have certainly taken to bars and partying and as a result loose women and would probably have had a grand old time (if that were in fact what I chose to be best for me).

(b) The difference here is, I CHOSE. Another words, you cannot have both. You cannot have the mindset of one and do the other. With a somewhat similar analogy “You don’t drink and drive because you are prone to make mistakes resulting in a crash, you can’t ‘party’ and wed and expect any better results.” People don’t seem to understand this yet and as a result divorce is rampant, cheating the same and single parent homes continue to grow.

(c) So after we have clearly explained the simplicity in deciding whether or not you should take the family route or not, let us please discuss your accountability, or lack thereof. Did you not propose to this girl (or did you not accept his proposal)? Did you not understand the agreement and its’ terms? You had the life of the relationship and the time spent preparing for your wedding to realize this was something you were not ready nor up for. But again, like a coward, you fail to step up to the plate. If you and she feel that its more pleasurable to live out on the town and have your downtown loft for parties and friends and bar hookups and all the garbage that accompanies that lifestyle, then by all means, decline their offer and go on your way. But you cannot, can you? You are too selfish. You desire to have the security of this person, but also the life you want to live on your terms. Allow me to speak for your significant other, you’re a horrible and shallow person. If you decide to hang the other person on, you deserve to be drowned in shallow waters.


V: Social Ineptitude
(a) People seem to think when they get married it’s just some big party, everyone gets trashed and dances around like some big barn dance. I find it annoying. In fact, most people actually seem to look forward to “being Married” in terms of a honeymoon and wedding party. When that stuff really is totally arbitrary. Marriage is a serious and sometimes stressful pact that deserves to treated with more dignity and honest work than it has been given of late. Much of that is as a result of the worthless generation that I am a part of, nobody works hard unless it is directly serving them.

(b) People get married then think they can just keep up the same old shit that they had before, same guy friends, same schedule, same partying ways, all of the things they had in single life, and it just ain’t so I am afraid. You do those things and I assure you of only one thing, divorce. You cannot have both, then when you add children and fiscal responsibility that further depletes the “Fun fund” and bickering moves in, and you make the mistake of venting to your friends, your fate is sealed.

(c) It isn’t your friends marriage, it’s yours. So shut your mouth. If you feel strongly about something, step aside with your spouse and tell them how you feel. If you say it in a well put together manner they cannot attack you for it. If they do, then perhaps you made a poor selection in your spouse (and that falls on you and you alone). If you don’t do this, you will only make yourself open to affair or mistakes. The simple fact that you brought your domestic issues out into public is a violation of loyalty, you are already on your way out. It’s just not as hard as you might think to become disillusioned with your spouse and start fancying another person, then friendship, then you bond over (ironically) your troubles with your current and now you have emotionally been unfaithful so you might as well cap that fucker and get a $12/hour motel room.

VI: Cultural Differences
(a) I won’t even get into the morality and healthiness of the issue. But in all seriousness, do people understand the difference between right and wrong anymore? It certainly doesn’t seem so. Aside from that, the article and its tools of rationalization bring up cultural norms and differences from American Marital views vs. other countries. Last I checked, I am American, residing in America. So for me to expect the vows I agreed to are going to be upheld, shouldn’t be that ridiculous a notion (AND we have to get a license, so its in paper, contractually binding – I’m in for life, hate it or love it).

(b) I don’t give two shits what France or Finland think. It isn’t my problem, I didn’t marry a French broad, so that makes no difference. I mean, if you’re going to use other places why not add the Middle East where men have culturally taken many brides but if the women looks sideways at another her life ceases to exist or places in Asia where if either spouse should dissolve the family they both have a date with the Iron Horse? The reason is, because it won’t suitably rationalize your morally defunct ways.

(c) The culture in America at least fundamentally was that a man and his wife be faithful to one another. I believe that is how it should remain. I would take no interest in anything other than that. In fact, previously I established my wishes for children and a wife whom I would be eternally faithful to, but should I not meet a woman that I could trust to be as committed and loyal to the family as I, I would select to never marry and I would do so without any regret or renege. I would still desire children and without them, would likely view my life as incomplete, but I would rather suffer the consequences internally than pollute this world anymore than it already is with a dysfunctional family resulting in children that I cannot raise properly because of our family situation. Thanks, but no thanks.

VII: Human Nature
(a) I am a firm believer in human nature, it is one of the biggest tools in reading people and their intentions or actions. This article has many different people arguing in different directions, most of which is just one using an angle to try and convey their own points. Simply put, like statistics, you can use such fluid theories as human nature to prove whatever it is you desire.

(b) The argument that “men will be men” or that it’s in our animal nature to engage with multiple sexual partners is somewhat sensible but the way in which it is described in this article completely invalidates the argument. In fact, if you wanted to make that argument I would counter with, then what makes a human different from the animal? I had always believed it was because we claim to be civilized and rational beings, but if you are saying that we cannot even keep our word and keep from sleeping with others (or fighting primal urges) then I would argue we are no different than animals. But I disagree with that. I believe we all have our primal instincts, it was instilled genetically to ensure we procreate, it is then up to our intellect to turn it on and off and control it. Meaning, it can be done, it is meant to be done (if it weren’t meant to be controlled, we wouldn’t have widespread disease and other things resulting from too much “fertilization”).

(c) It is that control which makes the difference in everything we do, every decision we make, and how far we allow things to go. With regards to sexual satisfaction, it is no different than a drug, you get a little bit crave more, scratch that itch and crave some more, until it evolves into a necessity for a higher drug or more of that drug in combination with others. Sex is no different, over exposure early on will desensitize and result in desires of more and more often. You will eventually grow an addiction to either the thrill of the chase, the kill or the act. Like everything else in life, great in moderation. You and you alone control your urges to drink, smoke, abuse drugs, lie, cheat, steal, and even fornicate. So to blame this on human nature, cultural differences, spouses sex drive, stress, emotions toward others or any other bullshit rationalization you choose is nothing more than smoke and mirrors used to hide from your guilt and utter pathetic lack of accountability and self control.


In Conclusion:
I believe my word is binding, I live that way and I would choose no other way to live. If I was put into a marriage that for reasons other than infidelity or disloyal behavior was emotionally defunct, I would still make sure to live it out (much like watching my sports teams, I ride it to the end). Once I have children, I am in it for my life. I can honestly say, I could even hate my spouse almost entirely, but I would never vocalize that to her or the children, I would just find a way to adapt and perceiver. This isn’t to say that I desire this or wouldn’t be upset over it, but I view it as the repercussions of perhaps my poor decision making. I made a promise to this girl to support her in good and bad through all things and she would be the mother of my children, therefore, I will do as I promised with absolutely no equivocation. I will fulfill my responsibilities and do so in the most joyous manner possible. Obviously, if she were to cheat or be what I refer to as “Disloyal to the union” I would have no choice but to dissolve our relationship and make the best of things without said spouse. I would never again remarry nor would I see any reason to pursue other women in that vein. I can say this with zero doubt in my mind at 25 years of age. If you cannot, then you are not ready to make a decision of such importance and repercussion as marriage because you don’t even know yourself yet well enough to even attempt to understand another.

A Conflict of Interest

Preface:
I originally was going to compose a semi rant, semi offensive display of emotion with regard to what I call the “for sure”. A tactic that has become so en vogue that it is to be assumed that people will not be accountable to their commitments from the very start. Expecting a call back? An on time arrival? Lunch Friday? Dinner Saturday? A timely response? “For sure!” exclaims the pupil with zero accountability and functional reliability. Perhaps I will pontificate on that at a later date, because just as I was preparing to write it, I stumbled onto an article on cnn.com which got me so pissed and horrified that I could have gone into a blind rage (this of course following the article listed just before that where the “Bailout” is dissected and all costs tangible and intangible are revealed – that too shall wait for another time). The reason I will brush those two items back a day is because while I like money, and it is important, and I believe your word is truly all that you have to yourself in this world – neither of these things can even scratch the surface of importance of morality and our decaying value systems within this country and among many other “progressive nations”.

Signs From Above:
I am not saying you turn your back on what science tells us, that would be stupid. You don’t have to follow religion to the core nor do you have to select any religion in particular. To learn from all of them would be best, to understand the reasoning’s behind many of the things that religion had been teaching since man’s creation. This idea of openly spreading the word of atheism by way of billboards saying “NO GOD, NO GUILT” is about the most reckless and completely moronic thing a person can do. It is equally as apprehensible as is forcing religion down your throat, so by putting billboards up you have effectively become the “hypocrite you claim to rival”.

Like this ridiculous Liberal society we have growing here already needs the enticement to shed EVEN more guilt and accountability. It makes me just sick to my stomach reading things like that. When I look through history books or just even stories from the past 100 years and I reflect on it and look at where we are as a society (specifically regarding how we raise our families, treat our spouses, and help those less fortunate) it makes me so disgusted that I can hardly breathe. I am not telling people they need to find God nor am I telling you to find a church of any particular denomination, what I am telling you is; the notion of actively ridding society of the positive influences of religion is a terrible mistake.

The Bad Religion in My World:
I openly will accept those of religious faith, as long as it isn’t thrust into my face or spoken to me with some sort of condemnatory fashion. It is only then that I take a negative approach to religion; those people who believe that they are of a higher brow, shall we say, because of their time spent muddling through churches and religious boot camps. Many people argue the hypocrisy of organized religion, by saying that more people have been murdered in the names of Gods than anything else, and while that is all true, the real hypocrisy comes for me from those people who think they are of a thicker moral fiber than myself for having been bamboozled into tossing their own money into the Church kitty. Those people to me are the laughing stock of humanity, they are victims of the ultimate gaffe, they’ve been turned jester by the head table. Religion is many things, some deniable, some undeniable, one of those undeniable things is the greatest tool of control ever devised. Nothing on this Earth has had the control of minds for such extended periods of time such as religion. It is undeniable, religion gets people to eat certain things one day and not others, go to work sometimes but sometimes not, marry certain people while not even consorting with others, salvage some only to enslave others, all of which is based on one groups opinion vs. the other groups opinion and the winner is typically determined by who has access to the most funds(honestly, it seems to me nothing more than a Global Party Lines System).

It is firmly my belief that while the question of whether there is a God or not is answered, that religion was devised as a real moral belief, a cure to unanswerable questions, something that was inherently meant for the good of humanity. Unfortunately, it was very early on adopted as a means of controlling people and fooling them out of their money and creating political property lines.

The Good Religion in My World:
Religion has had many impacts that are invaluable, the code of ethics and morality being the most important. While George Carlin did a magnificent job deconstructing the Ten Commandments, he did bring to light the need for some civil suggestion. I think any religion is what you make of it, there can be something for everyone. I think everyone should have the right to investigate all they want and if we conclude there is no god through science, then we have a hell of a lot of History to teach others on how not to let “group think” bring you down. I think that without my experience being around religion, I wouldn’t have the value system I have today and I wouldn’t hold people to the standards that I try to hold them to. I firmly believe that without my mother’s strong faith in Catholicism I would likely not believe many of things I do today regarding helping those less fortunate and being a good person, no matter what the stakes. I think without religion to provide a fear of high power, people don’t have the fortitude to forge ahead and actually do the right things, especially when it is at their expense. Without the need for guilt people will act with total disregard, something they basically do anyways now. Religion has begun to take a back seat, and with that people think they are the higher power, selfishness has begun to be the most common trait among people and it is disgusting. With reckless behavior and selfishness we have seen the family values originally set in place by religion begin to erode away and now it is becoming socially acceptable to have children out of wedlock and to carry on out of marriage relationships, as a result we have little boys and girls growing up without any sort of guidance or structure. All of this results in them repeating the same mistakes. It becomes the cycle of life and nothing can stop it except those who lead by example, only those of us who try to lead by example are rapidly becoming the minority among this society of self-serving individuals.

I believe with the loss and the demonization of religion we are seeing the morals and values religion was once responsible for teaching, going to the wayside. I don’t even want to imagine what will become of our society if we continue to shun away from the good things of religion, we should be following a certain code, that code organizes our efforts. I want to see people go back to a time when family values meant something, where a man was honorable to his wife and family because it was more than his desire, but his responsibility, a time where the wife took the time out of her day to teach and comfort her children, to instill the things that every child should have. Those feelings of love, accountability and desire to become someone your family can be proud of. It is religion that offers this, nothing else can teach this lesson because if you do not fear something higher than yourself, then there is no incentive to actually carry it out. Very few people are strong enough to understand what their potential is and actually achieve it or even have the grit to reach for it.

My Religious Position:
I was born Catholic and to a large Catholic family, I was baptized in the Catholic Church and probably about a dozen times more in each of my aunts, uncles & grandmothers sinks’. My mother is without question a person of strong faith as was her mother and her before her. While my father and his family didn’t take to Catholicism like that of my mother, he had little influence on me regarding the Catholic Church. So in my own opinion, I would say I have tried to make an educated (as much as is possible) decision on my faith. I was enrolled in CCD (which didn’t quite work with my system of beliefs at the time) – nothing to do with the church as much as the games and “controlling” manner or teaching that I found to be egregious at my ripe old age of about 8. I went to public schools until I enrolled at Marquette University, and there I had the chance to take a handful of classes concerning religion. Two of them were absolutely great, very engaging, very worthwhile and beneficial. The third, a complete waste of time and oxygen. The first two were conducted by open minded men of religious faith, with hosts of knowledge and education on all religions, they made sure to relate to you no matter what your belief system. They were representative of all the good religion can provide for people, especially in shaping a good moral mindset and value system. The third was what I would say is one of the biggest reasons religion is such a combustible topic. The third wasn’t even a religion class per say, it was actually a Philosophy class tilted into the warped mind of a religious zealot. A person who decided it was his place to change the words and thoughts of Socrates and Confucius to fit the religious beliefs he himself had. He did more harm to my feelings on religion than anyone to that point had ever done. Without question though, the previous two professors of religion had the biggest and most positive influence on my religious thought process and on how I treat others. After graduating from Marquette, I feel I really had the opportunity to make my own selections in life, I no longer had anyone to answer to, this for me is the time when you become the man you want to be going forward.

For me, I am not the one to answer the big question, is there? Or isn’t there? I chose to take an objective look and approach to God and say, perhaps there is a God, perhaps not, too. Science has come a long way since the beginning of time and it is my belief that possibly within my lifetime we will have all of the answers to the beginning of evolution and if that is the case, it would appear the answer to that "big question" was “perhaps not, too” and I am OK with that. I don’t find myself in hysteria over my life and position in it. It doesn’t really matter what I think, because whether you are a person of faith or not, the end of days is out of your hands entirely. But to understand that it isn’t (nor should it have ever been) a question of his God or mine, or a God or none, because for me there is so much that can be learned and taught about the human element by just reading or watching faith based things. Following religious codes doesn’t necessitate you having to be a believer in that particular God, at least in my belief system. I can worry about that down the road, I can be a good person, someone respectable and know that I have done everything I can to; help those less fortunate, support my family unequivocally and to successfully reach for my full potential in everything I do.

"The Ringers"

Preface:
Without question my lack of patience for all things incompetent does not help this situation; but the annoying cell phone; rings, beeps, buzzes, tunes and other audibles has got to end. I have my cell phone on a low vibrate, and my office phone turned off completely, just the blinking light. I spend half my day walking around the office, working on my computer and driving in my car and I would bet I have missed less than 2% of phone calls I have received this past year. I simply do not understand the need for loud and obnoxious sounds emulating from your little device. Then, you factor in the ""space-people", you know the assholes with the ear phone plugged directly into their brain - iPhones, ear phones...I'd like to make it their ass phone.

Spaceman:
The stupid blue tooth ear plugs are enough to make me lose my mind; first you have that little blue light coming from the side of their head, then when it goes off there is that little high pitch "DING" that I hear all over the place then people start talking into thin air like a bunch of fucking zombies. Worse yet is the friend that has the stupid thing in and is carrying a conversation with you, then "DING" and he is off with somebody else, then all the sudden he picks up again with me. Hey asshole, one at a time -- I won't feel slighted, tell me to piss off and I will do so, or you take the fucking bug out of your ear and converse like a couple of men. Then as if they are trying to tell the world of their importance and ability to speak to God through the earpiece (or so it seems) these people SHOUT like they are talking to someone across the street. It is completely annoying and ridiculous.

The Cell Phone Idiot:
This is the most common form of electronic communicator. This person ranges in age from a home-schooled 35 years old to a gray bush. They have this cell phone probably given to them as a novelty gift from some other incompetent asshole (I mean seriously, who gives old dimwits phones then doesn't take the time to explain their function). Then factor in that once they took the space gear out of the nifty box it comes in, they didn't take the minute to shuffle through the instructions or functions page? So now, when the phone rings they have no idea how to shut this thing up, they stare at it like it will respond like a pet.

Everyday, I sit in my office and listen to the buzzing phones (which as I said, can be put on silent and all your job is with regard to your phone is observe the screen lighting up or the blinking red light -- not a difficult task). In fact, it is probably good practice, most people are so blind to the world and unobservant that it would do them some good to try and focus on more than just their self interest. Then move that over to your cell phone, its smaller so, you may need to use vibrate, which is fine -- unless its on a hard surface in a public place that is typically associated with quiet time. Just set it on your thigh or some other sensitive area, so when it goes off, you and ONLY you know its time to talky talky. Here is the really hard part, when you answer the call, the person has a speaker in their ear and you have a very sensitive microphone by your mouth, all you need to do is say "hello, my name is..." in a tone no louder than you would say to me if I walked into your office, they can hear you, trust me!

Constructive Criticism:
Just do the world a favor, look at the manual for Christ's sake, figure your phone out before you put it into play. I sit in my office and literally 3-6 times a day the "Administrative Assistant's" cell phone goes off and my office sounds like the fucking Donkey Kong is jumping through my office and it takes literally the entire length of the song for her to understand what to do next. First you look down like "what is that?" -- What's that? Are you kidding me? Do you often hear Donkey Kong playing in your purse? What the hell is the matter with you!? then comes the grasp the phone and stare at the screen to determine who it is (when you know for sure it is most likely 1 of 4 possible people you interact with regularly) then lastly the pause of do I answer it and possibly disrupt the office quiet? TOO LATE! A marching band could have been less disruptive to me. Answer it and PLEASE be sure to scream into the mic as loud as possible, the neighboring offices are now interested too.

All of this could have been avoided by being proactive and silencing your phone then placing it in a place that would allow you to be alerted to your incoming calls, then immediately you get up and leave the room to answer if you simply cannot control the volume of your voice or be progressively reactive and understand by physical memorization (not just knowing where it is, but practice this maneuver because in a crisis or in a state of panic you will not react accurately and you might as well just let the fucker ring on once your have passed the 1.65 seconds rule) as to where the "mute" button on your phone is located, to then silence the call and take all the time it takes for you to contemplate whether you are mentally prepared to take this call, then do so accordingly.

An Idiot's Guide To Spotting A "Fanook"

Preface:
In recent conversation it has come to my attention that many people are confused as to what constitutes being a "Fanook"? Now, I pretty much refer to everybody as fanooks, but I suddenly realized most people couldn't spot this piece of garbage if he personally showed you the oxidized green ring around his neck from the 12 carat gold-foil necklace that was placed around his neck at birth.

As defined by the Italian Urban Dictionary: Fanook, is a half a fag (not typically referring to sexual orientation, but rather for his endorsement of swishy behavior)

Otherwise commonly known by "Douche Bag"

Spotting fanooks is really one of the least challenging propositions I can think of, mostly because if you stand around long enough, they will introduce themselves to you (like it or not) by yelling something obnoxious or stuttering the word "dude" 7 or 8 times within 11 seconds. But in case you have poor night vision, I will compile a short check list for you to print out and put into your pocket to help ensure that both you and your significant others can avoid being victimized by the fanook in the room.

Sensory Overload:
The fanook doesn’t believe that his loud obnoxious overcompensation is enough to yield the attention he requires. Therefore, the fanook will often resort to cheap tricks; loud colors always work well in accordance with loud mouths (and for a fanook, this is no different), shinny objects hanging from either the neck, wrist or ears, rings with zero meaning (another words, not wedding bands or class rings), greasy schlepped hair or spiked with more grease than a tractor axel, last but not least – the scent of a rotting compost bag trapped inside a Talibani taxi cab.

This unbeatable combination of garbage is what often separates the fanook from the rest of the morons in the room. While it is possible for a fanook to wear just one of these identifiable pieces of “Wannabe-hardass” flair, it is most common to see them in their natural trashball grease-monkey habitat which is to say wearing all of the above.

That fucking smirk:
I don’t know what it is about these guys, whether they are long lost brothers of Dave Wannstedt or they are trying to pick a piece of meat out of their molars with their tongue but it looks absolutely ridiculous. They all sit on the stool looking dumb as shit or leaning against a wall as if the wall was set there just for them, looking at everyone with this fucking grin that is trying to say “Yo, you know what, I know more-den you, bro” but the look, grin and scent is saying “Yo bro, I can’t read too fuckin’ good.”. There is just something about that smirk that brings the worst out in me. So if for some reason you are unable to spot the fanook from his goofy outfit, this annoying smirk of ignorance should tip you in the right direction.

The shoes, my God the shoes:
This is where the fanook separates himself from the pack. Shoes to a fanook are like pumps to a woman, vital. Fanook has 3 shoes he will wear (it can vary from region to region but I am out of “Fanook Central” aka Chicago, so for Midwesterners it goes as follows; Summer time fanook has the purest white ankle high shoes, these things are so stupid looking that I sometimes will try to step on them when I go by just to make me feel better about the whole thing. Special occasion fanook has obscenely gaudy sneakers, gold, purple or my favorite “colors of Roma” traditionally untied or loosely tied rendering them useless as gym shoes. Then we have the all seasons fanook special, the long narrow Italian leather show with the wide rear sole. Often these shoes are without laces and come in a slip on variety and they look ridiculous. There isn’t an outfit in the world that would require these abominations of leather sole protection.

So from Summer days to Winter nights you will always spot the fanook as he prances around the bar or his 2 bedroom flat with a porch that overshadows the house.

Is that Michael J. Fox or is that a greasy fanook?
There is just this weird shimmy or shoulder manipulation that is in perpetual motion. It seemingly never ends, they just keep jiving to the trance music emulating from within their heads. It’s like you just finished a 12 round staring contest with Muhammad Ali, you just cannot stop gyrating. Only this is as a result not of spinning, but of being a fanook in a social setting.

The combo of words and expressions:
There is something about that limited vernacular that is used; “Yo dude”, “Hey Bro”, “Watda fuck”, etc. combined with that slack jawed open mouth expression that is left after the phrase is uttered for the 20th time. As if he is leaving the lips fixed in case he needs to speak up fast but forgets how to actually formulate the language within his mouth. As a result 90% of what he says is inaudible, and to be honest, that is the only good thing about a fanook, half the nonsense that comes out of him cannot be understood anyways.

Naturally, this is all followed up by a weasel-like laugh that just sounds too stupid to be human.

The V8 doesn’t necessarily make you an athlete?
These buffoons honestly think because they keep in decent shape and “pump a little iron” that they are athletes, and furthermore, they think purchasing a 3-6 year old V8 will further prove they are descendants of Joe DiMaggio (you know, cause they are all fucking Yankee fans). They go out onto a court or field and start trying trick moves and shit, then stop and go toss their shirt over the T top of the old I-ROC, followed by flipping the straight billed ball cap back words and checking themselves out in the halfway sun-baked rearview mirror. Then they trot their skinny-prick legs over to the field of play and promptly get humiliated, laid out and laughed at – too which they begin a grocers list of excuses for their inability to catch anything other than syphilis.

Oh that is some manufactured bravado you’ve got there Pisan:
That overcompensation works its way directly from the clothing to the personality. They are all itchy trigger fingers (not because they want to or can back it up) but because they saw Scarface. They know it’s cool to be tough, so they are tough now (despite the fact we all know they would get their ass handed to them by any LPGA golfer of German decent). They all have the cross on them somewhere but all live about as unholy of lives as is feasible within the limited skill-set that has been bequeathed to them. This bravado seems to be the toughest one for people to sniff out, perhaps it is the fear of the chance he is actually as tough as the shirt he is wearing says he is. But it has been my experience the louder the fanook the more pathetically inept he is with all things concerning personal defense.

Let’s all go pick out a fanook:
With this little fanook checklist, it is hard to excuse why anyone would willingly or unknowingly conjugate with fanooks. The Idiot's Guide to Spotting Fanooks dispels any reasonable explination for why a douche bag (non-Italian fanook) could have anyone other than themselves to converse with or God forbid date. Unfortunately, the fact is many females still find these guys attractive, inexplicably. Additionally, many guys find themselves intimidated by such primal beings.

For my part, I am just trying to help clear the misconception behind all the fanooks that are getting away with this sad and desperate act. Next time you ladies head out "to da the club" to dance in your trance, take the fanook checklist and notice just how many fanooks there are leaning on the walls, chewing on toothpicks and unlit cigarettes. As for the men, don’t allow yourselves to be intimidated by these jadrools. Ogle right through his papier-mâché bravado, because it's just a defense mechanism to protect a scared inadequate boy hiding in the chest pocket of his "Affliction" shirt.

A Short Entry For Once

I have no excuse for what I am about to write, but when I got home last night, there was nothing on TV, no sports, no nothing. Except for that "Girls Next Door" reality show with Hefner and the the blonde's he tries to work!

After listening to the twins from Florida for 1 minute 30 seconds, I started shaking, so I flipped the channel, only to reach a Commercial that was nearly as annoying. So I go back to that show and its some new blond, only bigger and faker named "Holly". She began to talk to the camera as if the camera was going to respond back to her. It got so bad that I officially turned the TV off for the night.

I received a text shortly thereafter, and while responding I actually spelled "of" "O - V" and sent it. This being completely mistaken and in my mind 100% definitive proof that those shows or blonde's with fake hammers (I'll investigate more into that) are a direct cause to the dumbing of society or at least me.

I'm an idiot, care ov Holly.

Welcome to the Friend Zone

Preface:
Since I recently explained the need to remove the "Male Friend" from the equation, I figured it would be kind of fun to see exactly how they came to be a fixture to begin with. I suppose there are two types of "male friend"; the guy who works the girl and the guy who got worked by the girl. Most guys have a little experience in both positions, albeit, the majority of guys probably have most of their experience being stuck in the "Friend Zone".

Just a playa:
The guy that digs his filthy fingernails into a decent girl and fails to relinquish control whether she likes it or not is your prototypical “gamer”. Naturally, women undoubtedly will be deserving of a share of the fault for (a) even allowing this piece of garbage within the confines of her home, to begin with (b) not having the foresight to predict the guy is working her (c) after being jostled, not having the wherewithal to get rid of the loser. But, in all reality, the unsuspecting girl was a victim of circumstances. She wasn’t going to be able to run from the predator even if she had been warned beforehand (partially because of the natural allure to trouble or the sense of danger/mystery that is provided by these pieces of trash). The guy has been plotting and setting this up since the moment he laid eyes on you. He had a game plan, an exact idea of how he was going to play his cards (probably outlined on the back of his “Playboy foldout calendar”. You aren’t going to have a chance if you go up against someone with a plan and motivation, if you yourself don’t have a plan or motivation. You will fall prey to them no matter what you think or say.

The “Gamer plan”:
He meets you, he is sort of quiet early. He is trying to make his presence known but his interaction directly with you is minimal as possible. He is playing off his friends or other girls he knows there in a way to get the attention he thrives on, but also to get your attention without tipping you off to his intentions. He also is showing you his versatility, showing he is comfortable in social setting, and girls dig him. So you should too. It is a classic move used by inadequate men, eons old. Eventually, you will ask about him, and he will know it. Because it’s a set up, he has one eye on you throughout the entire thing, and if this social setting has other guys on scene, he will constantly be close by, not close enough for you to see it coming, but close enough to fly in with a surprise bombing should some other “gamer” attempt to swoop in on their prey. Once he notices or has been alerted as to your inquiry, he will “randomly” “bump” into you, making it seem just surreal. If you have not obviously asked about him, he will step his game up and take the direct approach, bumping into you or somehow setting up some team oriented game or flippy cup or bags with you in the game (note: he will NOT be your teammate, that is too close too fast. Opponent is best). By being your opponent he will have access to a socially accepted norm of “picking” or teasing you about your game (or lack thereof) if you are a piss poor player, he will tease then follow up with compliments such as “jus kiddin’” or “naw iz kool”. If you are the least bit competent at the game he will start out fast then slowly relinquish his grip on the lead to you, picking on you early, then slowly moving into self deprecation as he hands you the victory to give you an inflated sense of confidence (prime picking). This victory socially dictates the possibility of a little friendly hug or high five, some exchange of contact, and he is inside. From there, the approaches can vary from dipshit to dipshit, all of which, similar in origin but they will base on initial talks and attention, but still off beat and not too obvious. He will get your number or if he is a real superstar, he gives his (showing confidence in his status with you – more alluring yet). He will then go home and start game planning for his first time out with you, he will need to be poignant but not enough to be cheesy and ruin his mystique. Meanwhile, you just go home and say what a cool guy I met. FASTFORWARD: After a few dates he will seal the deal by what I call “adapt and overcome” , which is a nice little maneuver that basically gives you a working outline for every time you are together, I want this delivery to be sweet or stern or whatever I believe through my research on her past will provide the best results. Then you go to work, and as she unveils more sides to her personality, you make mental notes and tune your game accordingly. “This shit is chess, it ain’t checkers” as they say, and that is proven by his ability to improvise, and her inability to defend her position.

The Fix is in:
He has gotten everything he needs/wants from you. It didn’t take him long either, so he has plenty of time to hang you on. He will waiver on commitment and intentions, he will make all the major appearances of a guy that is interested, but he is really just still playing his game to set the hook so a hard pull by you won’t free the line. There are many different ways to keep the girl zeroed in, but few work better than guilt. (Note: It is to be mentioned we are talking about the girls that have fallen victim to the douche bag, not girls that openly date trash) The next part of this game is really difficult to verbalize, but at best, I will say the guy and girl will feud a little over his non-commitment to her, but also, if he were to come around, she would drop everything like a hot potato. He knows this and will chase it like a rat to cheese. You two will drift apart, you may start seeing other guys and he is most certainly seeing other girls, mainly because he never stopped. But every so often he makes his late phone call, his plan B, C, or D. Early on in this part of the game, he will follow those all nighters up with a nice day event or hanging out a couple times in a row, to make it feel respectable to you (not cause he cares, but he knows this circumvents your alarm system). As the time goes on, those extras go away as he has you pretty well immune to it. Then the final part is impossible to explain other than to say, he has become like an addiction, or a crutch. You can’t shake him, even when he calls late and you know he has nothing good intended for you, you cannot say no. You have been had. This entire thing was a set up, he worked you and had it planned out since the second he saw you and decided you were wreckable.

The Lovable Loser:
The other guy; this guy is a nice guy, means well, but cannot seem to muster the courage needed to stake his claim. He is the guy who sits back and watches all these scum bags fire away at the girl he secretly loves, cringing at every moment. But he wasn’t always in this spot, after all, she does like him, she does tell him everything and spend lots of time with him. Often more time than she does with the guys she actually dates. How did I get here, he asks?

Take off:
The guy met her at a friend’s house party; but unlike the “gamer”, this guy couldn’t take his eyes off of her, not because he was plotting, but because he couldn’t even focus on anything else in the room. Unable to move about the party or put a show on due to his lack of focus caused by the showstopper he is already day dreaming of. He will make a plan of his own, and it will be to get one moment with her, just one opportunity, and he will spend the entire night in agony and vomit inducing anxiety working his way up to her. He will likely complete a half dozen “Fly bys” (aborted attempts, based on gut instincts saying the environment is too risky). He will most likely get his moment either by accident or by a friend that knows her and unsuspectingly throws him into the fire. When he gets his moment he will be very complimentary, nervous, but sweet and polite. While in a completely different way, she will gain positive feedback from him. She will leave without his number or maybe even his name. She will have pleasant thoughts of him, nothing exciting, but nothing damning either.

Turn and Burn:
He will ask his friend from the party, about her. In fact, he will do it so much that its clear he has become fixated on her. His friends will tell him where she lives, hangs and with whom. While he is probably a little disconcerted with her choice of friends and local hangouts, he will forgive it for the shot at the title. He will run to the store, step up his appearance and begin to “hangout” in her area. Not all the time nor alone, but he will regularly suggest to the same friends to go in her area (knowing he needs her to see him with them to place the face). Finally, he strikes gold, runs into her at a local restaurant, they catch eyes, pause and then it clicks for her. He makes it brief as to not appear to have thought of her and play it cool, and she the same, only because she literally has NOT thought about him since the first meeting. He will then leave and review his plan, “She goes to the place on 4th street. OK, that’s a start”. So he can now go there alone as the face is placed, she knows his name. He returns the next week, same date, nearly the same time assuming she is a regular (judging by the way she strolled through the place as if she had done it a million times). Strikes again, this time he approaches her to seem a little more confident. She responds pleasingly and offers her number due to their obvious common enjoyment of the area (of course, not knowing he actually hates it and thinks her friends are worthless – he did this to get a chance with her, but she doesn’t need to know that, at least yet anyways).

Call the Ball:
He waits a week and give her a text to see if she will respond, knowing, the zero response is dating code for disinterested. To his delight she responds immediately, he tells her he will give her a call next weekend and she agrees “it’s a plan”. The whole week prior to his call he is again in angst over what to say? Where to go? Should he bring friends or go solo? All of these things so unsure. Finally he works the nerve to call her and get it moving. As she speaks with confidence so too does he, working his way to asking her out to dinner, skipping the friends padding BS that he despised anyways. She accepts his offer and they plan for the night. As he picks her up, he is very courteous and kind, complimenting her on her appearance and her humor. Building her up similarly to the way the douche bag did, only, it works conversely for the friend zone guy. He builds her up so much in his mind, that he almost convinces himself she is too good for him. He makes it a holy grail of sorts and only makes it more difficult for himself to calm. On the date (due to his respect for her, he is not touchy feely, he follows a very organized code) he only touches her while opening doors, pulling a chair and even then, the contact is no more than a soft hand on the small of the back or on the shoulder (completely strategic locations). He may get a playful tap in somewhere along the night, but he has already convinced himself he isn’t yet worthy of holding her hand or being sexually suggestive yet, if ever. He will do this time and time again, different dates that he puts tons of thought into, they are the bright spot of his week and yet, he cannot get himself to make that move on her by going for the kiss or getting physical because on one hand, he isn’t worthy (in fact, nobody is) and on the other hand, what if she says no? He will get shot down with the girl of his dreams, it’s all over in a blink and now he has nothing. At least at current he has dates with her to enjoy. He is stuck between fear of the unknown and fear of the imagination. Because as it sits, he fails to understand that she gave the number, she took the first date, she is interested enough to do that, she is interested enough to go forward, she accepting the next dates means she thought enough to think about you, and inevitably think of “what could”. But you dismiss it in your fears and let your window begin to close. After date number three with the same great start and thud ending she is beginning to think you are just not into her in that way, she is confused or thinks you’re a queer. Partially because you have been so physically ridged but also because the guys she dated in the past have conditioned her to feel that it’s totally acceptable to go for the screw by date three, make intentions be known before date two and on date one, if all signs are a go, steal a kiss. As a result, you are a bore and you can clock your time left in the driver’s seat with an egg timer. You have fallen hard for her and on your final date you try to make that move, you line it up perfect, but just as you are about to lay the cards down a mutual friend shows up or a crazy situation arises and your shot dissolves right in front of your eyes. You can almost feel the wind escape your sails as she exits your vehicle and says “well, see ya later”. You know your fate, you have fallen into an unrecoverable tailspin.

Crash and Burn:
Soon she starts calling you, texting you, teasing you, hanging out with you without makeup and in her sweats. Telling you about douche bags that she is going out with and girl drama. Suddenly you have become a complete fag and you cannot escape it without telling her you’re moving to Siberia. Your friends all laugh at you (if they know the story, which they don’t because you made some BS up to cover your ass). You feel pathetic and like you completely failed to collect on the lotto ticket that was right there to be had. Meanwhile, you are still clinging to the hope she will have a heart breaker moment and you can come clean house! But even those moments don’t play out the way you needed. She ends up passing out or getting too drunk for you to get serious or take advantage of her broken heart. You have been relegated to the “Friend Zone” and no matter what you do or say, you will never get out of it. You will sit by her side as she dates every guy you have come to hate and you will just swallow your pride because at least in this cluster fuck of a scenario, you have her in some capacity.

In Conclusion:
I suppose not much else needs to be said for the douche bag of a “Gamer”. His intentions are well documented, his effects on the girl and subsequently, every guy she ever dates are despicable and inescapable. The “Friend Zone” guy is in a somewhat different position. He is actually friends with the girl (albeit by default) but there is clearly some sort of connection with her; not what he had in mind, but he is at least at the dinner table. The thing about his situation is, while he misplayed his hand and while he may have lost out on his girl (only about 3% of “friend zoners” get the girl in the end, according to the US Census) he has the opportunity to meet another hardbody simply by being with her when she goes out with her other girlfriends (of course pulling the switch can be tougher than getting out of the “friend Zone” but he doesn’t know that yet). The sad part of this is that the scum bag got what he wanted and left a path of ruin in his wake and the nice guy got nada for all of his efforts, intentions and anxiety filled sleepless nights. But in actuality the nice guy fell for her appearance and how she made him feel, in the end, he hated all of her friends, he hated the places she frequented and she repeatedly fell for the douche bag, so in some ways, it might all be for the better that his dream was left intact along with his mental stability.

"Notting Hill"

Preface:
With Obama winning the Nobel Peace Prize today and Nancy Pelosi discussing the potential for a Federal Tax to accompany State taxes on all goods and services you would think this entry could have the potential to be the most inflammatory and offensive entry yet. Thus, I have decided to go the other direction and hammer out something a little lighter today, after all its Friday. While my day so far has been a complete disaster and I have already gotten into 3 verbal altercations (before lunch) I fear that if I allow myself to sink into the depths of Barack Obama and Nancy Pelosi, I might never mentally regain coherence.

I figured since my queerer side has been hanging around this last week watching chick flicks (actually just “The Wedding Date” once and “Notting Hill” about 5 times) it might be fun to dissect that a little.

Plot:
“Every man's dream comes true for William Thacker, an unsuccessful Notting Hill bookstore owner, when Anna Scott, the world's most beautiful woman and best-liked actress, enters his shop. A little later, he still can't believe it himself, William runs into her again - this time spilling orange juice over her. Anna accepts his offer to change in his nearby apartment, and thanks him with a kiss, which seems to surprise her even more than him. Eventually, Anna and William get to know each other better over the months, but being together with the world's most wanted woman is not easy - neither around your closest friends, nor in front of the all-devouring press.”

Internal Argument:
Basically, I had never seen this movie until Sunday October 3, 2009 but upon watching it, I immediately took a liking to it (quite obviously as I rented it 2 days later). It got me thinking, I have always liked romantic comedies far more than any straight man should willingly admit, but why? And why this one in particular? I don’t fancy Julia Roberts much, Hugh Grant always struck me as an English Prick and in the movie Julia Roberts character has a boyfriend, albeit a questionable boyfriend, when she kisses Grant’s character (something that in theory would probably dissuade me from enjoying the movie from that point forward. But still, there remained something that kept me watching and following it intensely, perhaps the crazy idea of a complete hard-body showing up on my porch looking for love or the idea that some dimwitted nobody lands a total ace. Neither of those things typically appeal to me, so what gives?

When I start looking through my DVD closet which is oddly filled with either old Westerns, violent Action-films, typically centered around vengeance and Romantic Comedies – and not much in-between. As is with just about every other thing in my life (movies especially) there is a common theme, whether it’s the actor or the plot being based around a single motive. As mentioned above, 99% of my action films are based on vengeance, all my westerns are about man’s search for righteousness or hard nosed ethics, and my romantic comedies are no different. They all have a common theme and its typically being the underdog and a modest character.

In Actuality:
I think I relate my art to myself a great deal. I really don’t enjoy art (movies, music or books) that I cannot absolutely relate my life to. For example, I am a person who probably holds grudges and turns negative attention into my motivation or in some cases my obsession. So the idea that vengeance films would relate to me is no surprise. Westerns, specifically Clint Eastwood movies have been a family obsession since I can remember, even my grandfather sat and watched them any chance he got, the same for my uncles and now apparently for me. There is something about the modesty in the man and his pursuit for righteousness and freedom of judgment that really makes me feel alive. I suppose I have tried to pattern my life off of many of the same principles as good old “Josey Wales” or “Harry Callahan” or any other gritty character who fights for the meaning of his words. The same goes for music and books, I don’t like reading fiction nor do I like music with nondescript lyrics. I like music to tell a story, thus Jazz and classical music really relates to me. When I listen to it, I feel like I have gained from it. I saved Romantic Comedies for the last because it is the furthest from reality as I go. It is the most fictional and “fairytale-like” that I can tolerate. The interesting thing is, I am picky about my romantic comedies too, not just any will do, and that doesn’t mean they have to be any good critically either. In fact, most tend to be garbage in the eyes of most viewers (not sure that helps my creditability). Again, in these movies I like modesty and things understated, the romance specifically. I don’t enjoy watching clingy irritating relationships unfold nor do I like over the top characters being portrayed. To me I think this is why I so related to “Notting Hill”, While being the biggest movie star on Earth “Anna Scott” frequently reminds the world that she is just a girl, the fame isn’t real and that in reality she isn’t even a great actor, just a figment of peoples diluted imagination and obsession. Likewise, William Thacker is just a book store owner and while he isn’t a wealthy man, he is very well read and seemingly well educated. He doesn’t overstate nor pretend to be anymore than he is, but still has the confidence to not take less than a man of honorable intentions should receive. I like that. I can relate to that. There is something about that modesty in love that I find very refreshing, probably because I see it so rarely in today’s society that I basically have turned to theatrics to find that peace of mind. The last commonality that I mentioned is understatement of things, what I mean is not just the emotion (which in this movie, and others I enjoy, is portrayed more in subtle gestures and in eye contact – another words rarely vocalized). The dress attire and displays of affection whether in public or in the bedroom are very subdued and not “erotic”. They are very gentle innuendos that would lead the viewer to believe this couple has a very comfortable sexual relationship, very conventional and not disgustingly experimental. To me there is nothing sensual or romantic about two people banging it out on screen in some red-light district production. It ruins the tone and for me, the entire movie. The movies that show subtle nudity and more emotional connection are the ones I can watch repeatedly and really relate to the characters and enjoy the movie. Much like my home is to me from society, movies are a similar sanctuary to me. Relationships today are so over the top and people go at it in public then fight then make up then break up then bang then cheat then whatever else you can even think of, and it feels like it’s all right there in front of you. It doesn’t even feel at times like there is any romance left for people. So, I guess yet again, I turn to an old-fashion concept in the form of theatrics to recreate the spark or to manufacture hope, I am not sure of which.

The last component of romantic comedies that I really like to see in order to relate and follow is the characters dress code. I think dress code is make or break, and that especially of a girl. Whether a girl is lounging in her comfortable clothing or dressed for a Gala in her full length dress or even just a casual outfit, it is important that she not be too revealing nor nunnery-inspired. Her clothing will be what creates that composure that can make a beautiful woman so eye-catching, almost asphyxiating. Nothing ruins my attraction to a girl quite like when they show too much or seem to rely on their physical attributes to look “Beautiful”. A truly gorgeous woman doesn’t need to hike a skirt up to her thighs or yank her hammers out of her shirt to look stunning, in most cases, its effects are just the opposite. The elegant style and poise she delivers will carry her much further and for longer than the raunchy appeal of skin-mags and debauchery. That is something I think has been lost over the years. I think the dress code today for “going out” has gotten to the point that its basically all Christmas Presents running around without their wrapping paper on. What fun would Christmas day be if for the entire month of December all your toys sat exposed under a rotting Colorado Spruce? Imagine how utterly thrilled I am when I see a beautiful girl turnaround and half her ass is hanging out (OK, yes for a moment it is rather exhilarating – but it thereafter turns into disappointment). All the same can be said about the men and their attire as well, I have never understood the reason people would respond positively to a man showing his bare chest or had he tailored his clothing to expose his muscles before anything else. How is it not as amazingly disruptive to others as it is to me, that a guy is standing there in my eyes dressed like he is going on stage in some offbeat circus show? I don’t understand how potential suitors wouldn’t immediately recognize the fact that the gentleman has such reservations about other features of himself (most typically his mental aptitude) that he would so blatantly attempt to cover it up with a muscle shirt or some Guido gold foil necklace and 4 missing shirt buttons. Proper attire for a man in any casual setting is a pair of well fit jeans and a collared shirt or anything activity appropriate, and no matter what any style guru attempts to trailblaze he will never accomplish equaling the impact of a man in a well tailored suit.

In Conclusion:
I guess the case I just made was perhaps more to myself than anyone else, but it did clearly illustrate that my reasoning for selecting certain films repeatedly (specifically romantic comedies that fit the build of “Notting Hill”), is the evolution of characters whom display; both modesty and eloquence above all else, dress in classical and refined style that is neither boring nor despicable, and their displayed affection be simple and understated. Thus, providing the viewer with just a glimpse of the couples shared exposure to help unify the interest, but not so much as to make the relationship feel cheap. In the end, I guess I am not sure if I repeatedly watch these movies because they are so detail specific to the way in which I live my life or as some sort of imaginative solace for what is so clearly lacking among the relationships I view today.

Reality Nobody

I truly wonder what people are thinking, or perhaps I should rephrase and say "if" people are thinking, ever. Every single year, millions of screaming assholes line up for the "American Idol" auditions or any other reality show for that matter. Every year, the same things, the same pitiful acts, the same disturbing antics which are then taped, edited then shown to millions of mentally defunct Americans on primetime television. I think people would sell their arms if it guaranteed them a little TV time. All of this pathetic and ridiculous behavior to get a spot with some asshole named Simon and some prescription popping whore from the 80's. Why? I (thankfully) don't understand.

Have we lost touch so much so that we cannot even function anymore? Honestly, I see GROWN humans on TV waving and flailing around like they are spastic in front of any camera that will shine on them, then if you actually tell them they are going to be in front of a camera beforehand you get to watch the seams come apart.

Am I the only person who recalls going out to dinner with my grandparents? You were a young child, your parents younger as well, less disciplined (this may still apply). Naturally, you would act like an idiot; perhaps screaming for attention, maybe even tossing or playing with your food, maybe wearing a hat at the table. Your parents too busy taking pictures, and Grandpa leans over and says "grownups don't wear hats at the dinner table" or something where he attempts to instill a little self-control and class/refinement in you. May I remind people to think of this when they act like a complete asshole on camera (or in general, for that matter). Grownups don't dance like a gipsy dressed like a clown for a free meal and 10 seconds of airtime, at least they fucking shouldn't.

I guess this leads to a much bigger point, at least in my eyes. We as a culture always have had a fascination with fame, riches, the "shining moment" and that is all good. It's healthy enough to have a dream of sorts or to aspire as a child to be a princess, imagination is a great thing.

Maybe it’s this reality show craze that has in a way closed the gap between the celebrity and the standard Munson, Roy E. but people seem to be more obsessed and more fascinated with (if not) becoming a celebrity, at least living or trying to live and act like one. I know idiots are impressionable and most humans are idiots so the shoe fits, but please, this is going too far. Certainly there are many with great talents, be it music, drama, athletics whatever, and they are thrust upon the lifestyle and really cannot help but to slip and make mistakes due to the barrage of on lookers or losers obsessed with their every move. I mean, I can't even imagine the life or how one would stay grounded enough to live a normal life with women throwing themselves at you or more money than there are goods to purchase with it. But the majority of people who are obsessed with these people seem to glorify this lifestyle, they seem to not understand that it is a completely fake and shallow life that at the end yields very little happiness.

I step away from the stage and say, think about it. How many athletes find happiness after the gridiron? How many mid 40's actresses are thrilled with what they currently have? how many child stars continued success and didn't fail miserably and if not die, just signed up for a reality jumpstart? You find most of the reality unions end in divorce (typically for cheating like a whore). You will see many pro athletes can't keep their dicks in their pants and they are married over and over again. Many actors can't abstain from screwing a co-star. They have all the money in the world all toys in the land. 4 ex-wives and 5 kids that either hate them or don't really know them, a nest of hangers on and agents that fuck them over every chance they get, multiple shrinks and rehab stints, many live short lives and for what? what did they gain? some fame -- which really isn't worth shit-- maybe a bunch of money (if they didn't piss it all away) and besides, I find it hard pressed to tell me you get more of a rush or satisfaction out of buying a Ferrari when you have a few million as you do when you buy pinto when you formerly had a pair of fucking sneakers. It's life people, it isn’t rocket science. A + B = C- (in most cases). You all run around flashing peace signs partying like fucking rockstars looking up to losers on TV and would sell your mother for your one shot at fame and yet time and time again you fail to see how unhappy and lonely the majority of these "Stars" really are, you forget to see how little they actually have in their lives, they trust no one, they have more ex-wives then they have friends and their kids end up all fucked up because they themselves are a train wreck. It honestly begs the final question....


What in the hell kind of imaginary shallow, pathetically simple minded world do you people reside in?

Enough with the "Male Friend"

Preface:
“Beware the company she keeps for they will betray you.” Integrity is something few people have and even fewer maintain. It is all we have and yet it sells for nothing. In desperation (or prosperity, for that matter) people will lie, steal and cheat to get what they fancy. No better example exists than in relationships and your girlfriend's “male friends.”

There exists an immense quandary that is extensively present in today's relationships and it's called “male friends”. A lot of shameless men would pilfer your lady right beneath your nose with little or no concern for anyone but themselves. The reasons for breaking what used to be an unwritten man-code are many; either through a lack of integrity, plain selfishness, desperation for love and affection or even jealousy. Experience has proven many guys would take what is not theirs whilst leaving you moderately confused as to what has even happened (if you had your head buried in the sand) or in an uncontrollably violent rage (if you had the proper prudence).

While I do put a portion of blame on the men who have allowed this to defeat them, a sect of women are predominantly to blame for this. Often their love/need for external validation is so prevalent that it has become an addiction to them. They manufacture a disproportionate self-esteem by the way they internalize the often contrived compliments and attention they received from others and it is a very harsh habit to break. Once these women engage in relationships and receive withdrawal symptoms from not having complete degenerates shamelessly clawing and attending to their psyche every weekend, a strange feeling of self-doubt or loss of power settles in.

There are however girls who don't derive all of their self-esteem from external validation, but still have those irritating “male friends”. Most of the time those girls have just brushed it off and made excuses for their friend's behaviors. In this case, it will be easy for her to let go of them. With women of this caliber often all you need to do is calmly talk to her about it in a nonthreatening manner and have her become aware of what's going on and the level of strain or annoyance that is in turn left on you. Generally speaking, if such a conversation is held in a rational and completely non-argumentative fashion you will find it easy to amicably resolve your differences.

His & Hers:
It is more than OK to have friends within a relationship but they need to be friends both of you can trust. They need to be people who completely respect the boundaries within your relationship. The men must comprehend the level of pain which will be inflicted upon them should they be caught on the wrong side of the line and likewise the girls, whether they be friends of his or hers, have got to understand that their situate will be a distant secondary role in relation to both he & she. Accepting anything less than this would make a fool of you and in actuality it should make a fool of anyone who would condone such malevolence.

There lays a compromise that most men are faced with: Allow yourself to fall for her and welcome a relationship but conceding to allow her to keep the male companions around for validation. Which will allow her to feel as though she is trusted and has freedom of choice in her relationship, resulting in perhaps a happier her. All the while, you pretend to not be bothered when she constantly texts her “friend” who is well-beyond too touchy for your liking (and in many cases a person, whose neck you would snap if she left you two alone long enough to dispose of his lifeless corpse). Which, like most guys who cannot stand it, you just keep your mouth shut and completely suppress your displeasure with the arrangement as long as is feasible.
Now, you aren’t particularly pleased with it but feel situational helplessness. You know something is rancid but feel like there is nothing you can do to control it. You have made far too many rationalizations in your head for this sort of behavior. You don't want to appear needy and overbearing nor ultra-macho, so you just continue to suppress in effort to not find confrontation as the situation worsens by the day (within your head or possibly in actuality).

Occasionally men find the strength and courage to object to their girlfriend and her situation, but doing so knowing it only ends up in an argument. Never argue with your woman, she's better at it. The argument doesn't go nearly as you planned it (or as Mike Tyson once said “Everybody has a plan until they get punched in the face”). Once the plan gets tossed out the window and understanding how she judges the score, once you lose control, its lights out. Thus you just end up feeling guilty for something that will never sit right with you anyways.

She can tell you he’s just a friend (hell she can sing it if she wants to) because no matter what she says and whether you believe it (or not) it will never settle and will never be OK within your mind. You cannot digest the feeling of knowing that she has friends that are far too close for comfort meanwhile you happily dumped your female acquaintances reasonably soon after you met her and decided the playing days were up. That soon gives way to the grudging thoughts of believing you have done everything it takes to succeed in this relationship, while she hasn’t been the least bit willing to do the same for you and thus welcoming the beginning of the end.

Most guys never take the chance or time to be forthright from the start. That is a big step (not to a successful relationship, but rather a healthy approach to at least disallowing yourself to become lost in your anger, courtesy of your situation). Surprisingly, many guys are far more willing to lay the friends down softly and just tend to their family and work at hand than are our female counterparts. As a guy who would without question toss my contacts (male and female) into the trash bin if I thought it would allow “us” to have a more successful life together without a second thought. It can be rather difficult to understand or even co-exist with a woman that wouldn’t do the same. But few men ever set the tone early, most are just happy to be there to begin with. While totally cliché, an important question to ask any time you feel like there is a male friend of hers that you don't quite trust. Is she focused on the relationship and loyal to the common cause above herself enough to let go of anyone who threatens it (without reason or excuse)? Or does she enjoy the high she gets from external validation more? If the answer is yes that she does want to protect the relationship then the male friend needs to go.

Note:
(without question this isn’t saying both parties shouldn’t have friends and division of themselves in order to keep things from turning into “his & hers” but there must be a limitation, if the man feels the other guy is a distraction, the fuckers', got to go. And the same would go if the girl objected to female acquaintances of the man -- Though its recommended for men to set the tone early by example and cut ties with the other women.)

admonition:
Before ever bringing this up, do check to make sure it's not your own paranoia that is running the show because she is completely within her rights to befriend a male with acceptable intentions (especially the gay male friend - who by most accounts is harmless but rather difficult to be around because while he looks and sounds like a girlfriend, he still has that man-sized Adam’s apple that you just cannot seem to ignore). Does he make inappropriate compliments? Text or call her more than a friend should? Give her hugs that last a little too long? Sometimes your own caution can be your own enemy. Then of course there is the unfavorable situation with the girl that can’t seem to un-friend her ex or ex hookup. Allow me to solve this for you before you even break a sweat. Get out of there, now. It is an unworkable situation, there is absolutely zero excuse for it. I have been in a situation similar to this and the only thing I could think of when being in the room with either the girl and he, or just he and myself was where exactly I wanted to place my shot grouping? Where to bury? How to remove DNA? Those normal male thoughts when faced with ex-anything’s. If women understood the strain that puts on even the most confident of males they would never EVER begin a relationship with baggage as heavy as that.

Most women aren't used to dating guys with any integrity and character whatsoever. They are used to holding onto to male friends who over step their boundaries and having their boyfriends (fixed in Affliction attire and goofy pure white, ankle high tennis shoes that if forced to go into a full sprint would tear your Achilles within 15 yards – completely impractical attire) not say a word about it. She might be upset with you bringing this topic up and try and turn it around on you. Don't listen to any of the arguments and hold your ground because the terms will be absolute, and you will be better for it. You will live longer and avoid jail time at the very least. I have no idea if it will win you the girl or keep you status quo but I do know that the more men who show some integrity and maintain discipline the better chance we all have in exiling the dreaded “male friend”.


She will again repeat that her friends are just Platonic "buddies I've known since college" and they maybe, but allowing them any closer than arms length would be an risk that far outweighs it's rewards. If she absolutely refuses to get rid of him then your answer is clear? Negative on air support. she is not providing any insurance to protect the relationship. At that time you are the one who needs to make a choice and ask yourself two questions a) “Do I really want to be with this auto wreck of a girl?” or more importantly, b) “Can I mentally even survive a situation such as this?”. If the answer to either of these question is even remotely negative, my advice to you is to just walk away. Grab your shit, and walk out the door, saying not a single word, just focus on the deletion of all of her contact info (typically the digit "7" is delete, in case you get flustered) as you confidently stride towards the steps.

The "Male Friend", that's a laugh.

Blinding Irrationality

Excerpt from a cnn.com article:

We met when I delivered his mail, a task performed by all the interns. But I liked to think I was different: I was an eager little NYU journalism student, desperate for attention, and I chatted with all the editors as I passed their cubicles.

Many magazine editors on the top of the masthead are a bit standoffish and see interns, especially ones who want to talk while they're busy, as an annoyance. But the Older Man was actually inquisitive and kind; we'd chitchat a little bit, a welcome reprieve from the other editors who could be cold and snappish.
The Older Man and I kept in touch when I moved on to other internships, mostly, I think, because I wanted to use him as a reference. My life was pretty normal for a 21-year-old: I fell in love with a boy my own age, graduated from college, and moved back in with my parents in Connecticut when I took a reporter position at a newspaper.

Over time, "how's it going?" e-mails gave way to exchanging IM screen names and more regular chatting, usually in a mentorship capacity. He seemed to quite enjoy the tales of a cub reporter! And of course, it thrilled me that this big magazine editor thought I was cool enough to IM with.

I was even more thrilled when Older Guy and his girlfriend wanted to have brunch with me and my boyfriend, and when they showed up together at my 22nd birthday party. He read and helped me craft many of the freelance articles I pitched and wrote during that time.

Then one summer, his long-term girlfriend broke up with him. He was despondent and heartbroken and seemingly needed a friend to lean on. I didn't know what was happening at the time, but that's when the real trouble started for me. Honestly, I can't say our attraction to each other was a sexual thing. The Older Man is not particularly good-looking, and I'm a little cute, I guess, but really, our personalities just clicked. We were two sad people who met each other at a vulnerable time in our respective lives.

Older Man had thought he'd marry his ex-girlfriend and have her children; he hadn't expected to be 37 years old and single. (As he put it to me once, he thought most unmarried people at that age were the "leftovers.")

I'd moved back in with my parents to the suburbs after college -- a miserable experience for everyone involved. So hanging out more and more frequently with a man 15 years my senior didn't ring any serious alarm bells. On the contrary, the Older Man became the No. 1 joy in my life during that time.

For a few months the Older Man and I hung out platonically. We saw movies, plays and a taping of "The Colbert Report." I went on job interviews all the time (he, of course, was one of my references) and we usually met up at Starbucks for a bit, or for dinner, before I caught my Metro North train back to Connecticut.
But then one night after we dined together after a job interview, it hit me that I had an enormous crush on him. I can still remember exactly where I was standing on a particular New York avenue when I realized this.

Then, after we idled away one Saturday away together, it suddenly felt, to me, like we were dating. Operative words here: "to me." But what was I supposed to think? That day, the Older Man and I saw a play together. We walked across the Brooklyn Bridge for pizza and ice cream. We walked all the way back to his apartment in Manhattan and watched movies.

Sitting on his couch after the movies, we kissed. Kissing led to the bedroom and the bedroom led to sleeping together. If it was a "date," it was a perfect date. I can still remember him telling me, with the utmost earnestness, "You are very, very beautiful, by any measure." I felt absolutely over the moon.

Then, the magazine he worked for offered me a job at their Web site -- and I took it. The Older Man had nothing to do with my being offered the job -- I promise you that. He told me he said nothing to convince them to hire me and I believed him. I had been an intern at the mag, remember, and I'd kept in touch with people there, so when there was an opening at this other wing, I hustled into an interview.
To my great delight, I got offered the job, which finally meant I could leave my dinky $21,000-a-year newspaper reporter job and move out of my parents' place and back to New York City.

However, working in the same building just underscored for the Older Man how a relationship with a much younger woman was not sustainable. I'd sleep over at his apartment and we'd fool around and then we'd both be at the office as if we were two strangers.

He'd be in a meeting with the editor-in-chief and I'd be a copy machine monkey -- it was very awkward. And the fact that he didn't acknowledge me at work began to make me feel like crap. It took me longer than him to figure this out, but, little by little, I saw the ways in which our relationship was inappropriate -- not just because of our age difference and the fact that we now worked together, but because he didn't treat me like the lover/girlfriend that I considered myself to be.
But you know where this story is headed. And it got worse before it got better, of course.

It ended, abruptly, when I told him on the phone that I was in love with him. Sure, I'd shown for months now that I was in love, but I had never verbalized it before. But he had the worst of all possible responses: He wasn't in love with me, he said, and, in fact, he had gone on a few dates with a woman his own age and was falling in love with her.

That news -- a surprise to me -- punched me in the gut with the worst rejection sadness my life. He did care about me as a friend, he said, and he cared about supporting my career, but that was it. In fact, we had to end all of this, tout suite.

The inside of my head was absolute lunacy for several days, but I had to drag my myself to work in the weeks that followed, easily avoiding him. Sometimes when I was alone at the office, I cried, and wanted to run and find him, but I knew it would be unprofessional.

So I did the only thing I could do. I left for another job within a few months -- thanks to Older Man who was still on my resume (oops!) and charitably provided me an excellent reference. Maybe he thought he was getting rid of me? Well, it worked.
Over time, he married and had at least one kid, but I've only learned this through Facebook. No, we don't talk anymore, which is probably for the best.

I do miss his friendship, though: I wish he were still my mentor and my friend, I wish I were in his kid's life, I wish I could introduce him to my boyfriend, who is the best friend and lover that I have always deserved and that I'm going to marry.
But despite all those wishes, with 20/20 hindsight and a lot more maturity, I can see what he did to me was wrong. He should not have rebounded after his long-term relationship collapsed with someone who looked up to him and whom he had a bit of power over, period.

Beginning to date that other woman when we were sleeping together and then telling me about it when I finally verbalized that I was in love with him was just cruel. He knew he was a treasured best friend to me, and he could clearly see that I loved him. Clearly, the Older Man could have handled it better!

Nevertheless, as his former friend, I realize why the flawed person that he is just didn't do that. Maybe he couldn't do that.


Conclusion:
If this is truly an insight into the thinking of twenty-something girls’ minds then not only am I to remain single for eternity but I also will do so willingly. I actually read this article twice to be sure I had concluded what I indeed thought I had. This story actually has some stellar value to it, it begins as almost a tell all, an admission to a secret, then slowly evolves into a tale of two, as it begins to take shape you can almost hear the authors internal voice mold and shape the story ever-so-slightly into a full on rationalization. Then, for a brief moment, it becomes a reflection of the past decisions (both the benefits and faults). As the author concludes her dialog and memory of the events she almost makes it out before she begins to displace the blame onto the male (who while older, is still in his 30’s and not a gray-bush), shortly thereafter she fully rationalizes her poor decisions as those of a helpless girl that was swept up and taken advantage of by her silver fox of a co-worker.

This represents everything I feared in the opposite sex (and perhaps in many men of this generation too, I have just never spent much time watching other dudes…). This girl, whether she gets pounded out by the co-worker or not, puts herself into each and every one of the situations leading up to the climax of their relationship. And while the older guy certainly could have put a stop to it and said “No attractive young collegian, I am single and feel like I will likely never have a chance at ass again…so, please leave me alone to swill by my lonesome and whatever you do, don’t reveal your sexual offerings.” because that is totally likely. I am sure that this girl didn’t decide pretty early on that she fully intended on tapping this guy all the way, even if subconsciously. That is highly doubtful, and to think this guy is a) going to recognize her moves or b) even if he does, show the sack to step away from live bait on a newly vacated hook? Completely irrational.

Set aside all of the details of consideration, specifically the blame, because there isn’t any blame. It was a situation that was created based on a litany of bad decisions by both parties. The guy is likely single because there is no possible way his long term girlfriend isn’t aware on at least the shallowest of levels that her 37 year old boyfriend is strangely interacting with a college girl. There is not a question that she saw that and was like “warpo. I am out of here.” And the same for the little reporter skank. Any guy with even the slightest IQ would look at her situation and immediately think, “the bitch is nuts”. I certainly did (and did so early in the dialog).

In closing, The fact she rationalized this onto the guy and out of her conscience is the prime motivation for my skepticism in women (again, doubtlessly men too, but I have no vested interest in their behavior). The fact that we could read the exact same dialog and digest it different entirely and that one of us would surmise this entire situation as a series of pathetically poor decisions made by both parties, and thus placing the “blame” and repercussion(s) onto both equally. Neither person understood that there is simply not a possible way for a male of authority and a younger female subordinate (or vice versa) to remain completely plutonic over an extended period of time whilst also still attempting to satisfy another significant other. It is not a possibility, it is a confliction of agendas, neither will be fully satisfied and in time one will replace the other for the short term but only fail because it lacks true substance (generally built during the early stages of relationship, but in this case it is lacking due to the fact that this other party was attempting to maintain his current steady while half-assed building his secondary). This isn’t saying people cannot maintain friendships with the opposite sex, you are free to do what you like. But simply understand by its inherent nature, you are putting undo strain on your relationship (especially if your partner has expressed his/her concern). If you would like to continue friendships with the opposite sex and successfully move on in life and forge lasting relationships you have to set guidelines or some sort of limitations. E.g. always including your partner whenever being with the "oppo" friend or making sure to limit your one-on-one time to a very bare (poor use of adjective) minimum. Not to mention that in all honesty, if you have a male friend and he is not just Asphyxiatingly queer, he wants to bang you out. I don't give a shit what you or he says, it is his prime motivation, perhaps yours too. Doesn't matter if he is 15 or 55, he wants me to slip up just enough to let him wedge his foot in the door. That’s why he is there at all the right times. Same with your guys girlfriends, she wouldn’t stick around (especially if she is single) for nothing. She hates your guts (the bigger she smiles the less she thinks of the girlfriend) and would like nothing better than to screw your boyfriend.

Double-date and dinner-dates with friends whom are couples might work about as well as anything possibly can, this way the guy can have his crush on your girlfriend then go bone his wife to your gals face. Similarly for the girl. Facts of life. The faster you figure all this shit out, the faster you can move forward and not have to rationalize all of your many woeful mistakes and then waste time having to oxyclean them both from your conscience and your sheets!