Listen, Prick!

Preface:
Some people start their mornings with a crossword puzzle or brain teaser to get the blood flowing and prepare themselves for a long and arduous day at the office. For me however, I need just to be slighted or pissed off by some yuppie with wire-rim glasses, thus allowing me to shift into a verbal tirade in a public forum. I understand to some this may seem juvenile or completely unacceptable, but I would strenuously disagree with you. My rationale` for this is that I believe it is the majority’s silence during moments of disrespect and selfish behavior that enables these yuppie pricks to go along mistreating people and getting whatever they so desire. I for one, will not stand for this behavior, no matter who the aggressor is. If you're just a prick, I can relate, but if you choose to attempt to force your way with me or even in my presence I will without a moment’s notice, step up and verbally assault you then call you by what should be your given name, PRICK! I will do so for no other reason than, I cannot possibly accept knowing you went through the rest of your day believing you were a success.

Situational:
Moderate crowd, a few high school kids eating, a few gents awaiting the train downtown, myself and five (5) other people in line, & the staff (made up of mostly Hispanic employees – all of which very nice). I am currently awaiting my Harvest Toast and have a bottle of milk in my hand, slowly moving along the line to reach the cashier. Suddenly, I feel a breeze of air come swooning in behind me. I could feel the hair on my neck stand up as if it was a primal defense mechanism to worn me of danger on the path. I turn around in a very non-assuming manner as to not stir the pot immediately (well knowing, it would be some Lake Forest yuppie prick in wire-rim glasses). Sure as taxes, it was in fact just what I had feared, a yuppie, dressed in a very well tailored midnight blue suit with a flamboyant purple tie suspended to his London striped dress shirt featuring his initials on the right neck collar, all of which was polished off with a matching hanky folded neatly over his left pectoral pocket. While I admired his taste in suits I couldn’t help but notice a gaudy gold Rolex, multiple rings on his right hand, narrow Italian leather shoes and of course, those fucking wire-rim glasses. Immediately in my mind I knew this prick was a piece of garbage, I was just waiting for him to cut in front of me (and everyone else) to order his caffeine blitzed coffee, pay and leave (unfortunately, if you want to do so, you are at the mercy of those inline ahead of you – but alas he wouldn't bother asking). I knew from the second I saw the glasses and the shoes that this person was going to provide me with that spark I so desperately needed this morning. The shoes alone would have done the spell; there is just something about narrow brown Italian shoes (more specifically, those without ties, I believe I am well documented on my feeling that suit shoes w/o ties provide the same impression as a pussy handshake, and that impression is that you're a man of great weakness) that make me get the sweats. It just screams, I am a greasy, selfish, shallow minded, prick with nothing on my mind except myself and the presentation I exhibit. Conversely, it is telling me; I would like this presentation to introduce itself by displaying this yuppie prick planted face-first in a dumpster, looking like he had just been in a “single car accident just outside his Windermere, Florida home”. That of course leaves the glasses, oh the wire-rim glasses, I just don’t have the adequate linguistic range to express my displeasure with those ocular atrocities. When I see them I immediately think of the scene in “Dumb & Dumber” when the Jew wants to use the payphone, then gets punched in the mouth for his annoying antics. Naturally, I was suspicious of this individual beginning at the moment he crossed the Einstein threshold.


The following is an exchange that occurred at 7:12am CST at the Einstein Bagel in Lake Forest, IL:

The door swings open, Yuppie Prick walks to the back of the line, peers over and around me, looks to the front, slightly bumps my shoulder as he steps out of line to get eye contact with the cashier. Meanwhile, he says nothing in the way of apologies for his bumping me and has his empty coffee mug twirling in his hand as he pays no mind to those in front of him. Finally, he gives in to the allure of selfish behavior and overly caffeinated coffee, the "Type A" prick makes his move.

Larry: Excuse me rims, there is a line you are neglecting.

Yuppie Prick: I am just getting a coffee…so. (as he proceeds)

Larry: (holding my milk jug up) Does this look like a fucking buffet plate?

Yuppie Prick: No it sure doesn’t (with a smirk). But I really have to get moving here.

Larry: We all have to get to work this morning, you’re going to have to keep a lid on your great Marketing genius a little while longer.

Yuppie Prick: (ignores me and proceeds by shouting over people's head) “Hey you, I need a dark almond cof…

Larry: Yo, fucknuts! We didn’t all get in line today to hold a spot for your arrival, if you want a coffee, wait your fucking turn like everybody else.

(place goes quiet)

Yuppie Prick: If my intrusion was so offensive why didn’t you say so?

Third Party observer: I believe we did, that gentleman certainly did.

(silence as I approach the cashier)

Cashier: Larry, just the Harvest toast and a milk?

Larry: Yes Nina, that will suffice. Oh, also… prepare a dark almond coffee for the Yuppie Prick behind me!

Yuppie Prick: (No sound. Just a mouth drop)


(Exit to the sound of awkward adolescent laughter)


Epilogue:
There are only two (2) real factors in this story. Factor one is pretty evident; quite simply, patience is not one of my virtues. Factor two is really a matter of common decency and respect for others around you. I am not saying I am tolerant of most people nor their behavior, but I will at least give them between 2 & 20 seconds to make their move, I owe them that much. In this scenario, had the Yuppie Prick waited and saw the man or women in front of the line, holding everything up, in order to stay within the code of acceptability, all he has to do is count to 12 (short count) and if he/she still has made no progress, then by all means call him/her a simple fuck and walk to the front of the line and place your order. In my world, that is completely rational and should be expected. People who take too much time to make decisions or to complete their tasks should absolutely be reminded of their ineptitude and then brushed aside for the able minded to circumvent the proverbial speed bump.

However, in a case such as this, where nobody can be accurately identified as the weak link in the line. You must observe for a minimum of 20 seconds to estimate the time this line will take vs. the time you have allotted for acquiring coffee today. If it looks like it will be a tight fit, you may calm and politely lean to my 3-o’clock and address the entire line as one, telling them you are in need of coffee and are behind schedule, fearing you might miss your train. If you do so in a well dignified manner, it is likely we will all comply and issue you a morning coffee pass (only redeemable today and NOT thereafter). If for some reason the line should not grant this pass for fear it might lead to other wishers or because you are wearing narrow Italian shoes and those fucking wire-rim yuppie glasses, then your decision is clear.

It’s fuck or walk time yuppie prick! Do you risk it all and fight the clock? Or is the only rational decision to put off coffee until you get to the Dunkin Doughnuts at Ogilvy Station?

One thing is certain, stepping out of line and selfishly pushing your way to the front (at least in my presence) will result in your being subjected to a verbal assault and public humiliation, both of which; I feel great about.