Just Fill This Out?

Preface:
I will share this because to be honest, it is too damn funny to keep to myself. Last month a friend of mine was doing a college research project in Sociology; her objective was to determine what exactly people are attracted to in another. In her study she used online dating sites as the tool and had 100+ people (men & women) fill out their survey or eHarmony profile (no photos provided). She charted all of the “hits” or conversational requests and began linking them with specific details provided by individual profiles. The goal being, to discover a consistent variable between those sought after and those seemingly completely ignored.

Here is where the humor comes in, I was asked to fill a profile out and did so happily. After filling it out, she told me to send it back to her for her to post (without my name on it) so it would be impossible for her to be bias when she was trying to make her determinations.

Generally speaking (and she agreed) I am a pretty charismatic person, I don’t tend to be shy nor the type of person who struggles to meet people, particularly those of the opposite sex. Generally their first impressions of me vary (from a complete prick to likable) but at the end of the day I get along with most women (as far as they know, anyways). So, after the results were in and she realized “Subject 11” as was my title, had literally ZERO communication requests, she was baffled by it, because a lot of “lesser social skilled” men were getting hits off the charts. She then emailed me to tell me I was the LEAST desirable person in the survey and she wanted to read my profile to see if it was some sort of joke or if I purposely fucked the profile up to skew things (which I told her I did not). I sent her my profile and she looked it over and before I could even close out of the email screen, my cell phone began to ring.

“Are you the fucking UNIBOMBER?” she exclaimed.

The following is my profile (which was in truth my actual feelings, but obviously if I were trying to fool a girl into dating me, I’d probably be a little more clandestine in the future):

Name: Subject 11
Profession: Financial Services/Real Estate
Education: BA + Certs
School(if you choose): Marquette
Religion: Baptized Catholic

Interests:
I consider myself a pretty decent person. I try to manage a social life along with my career. I believe education is something that is lifelong and should always be a top priority. I have played sports all of my life and still attend a host of games and play in leagues with friends from college and high school. I believe I have a wide variety of interests; musically I enjoy about anything (other than techno mixes and anything provided by a DJ -- headaches form immediately) I like both modern and traditional country, a variety of rock, hip hop & R&B. I actually grew up listening to early 1900's Jazz so I suppose that is a little random. As for reading, I typically don't enjoy fiction, I would prefer to read about subject matters or people whom I know little about. Keeping with the theme; I like going to movies, although I don’t actually find most of the modern movies coming out very appealing. I love 80’s action flicks, occasional chick flicks or drama movies, but ultimately I could watch Clint Eastwood or old Westerns nonstop. Thankfully, I am the type of person that could re-watch the same old movie 1,000 times without ever getting sick of it. In a sense, I have to see myself in the character in order to truly relate to and thus enjoy a film.

Per the usual, I like to go out with friends for drinks or to a ball game. I love tailgating for just about any sport or concert and would be happy doing that every Saturday! As for the bar scene though, I certainly have seen my share of bars and while I don’t mind going out with friends for dinner and drinks on occasion, I would like to see my presence in “boozing establishments” begin to decline significantly. I can happily state that my “work for the weekend” days are well beyond their expiration date.



Your Personality:
I respect versatility; while I always thought highly of the people at work or in classes who had the highest grades, the people that impressed me the most were those who had the fewest areas of weakness.

I would say I am a pretty competitive person, I get sick to my stomach when I lose at anything, but while I don't like to lose, when I do, I try to maintain something from it. I generally know in life what I want and I go for it. I don't see any reason for quitting on what you want. I also, don't believe in entitlement at all, I firmly believe that in life you get what you put in, nothing more nothing less.


Looking For:
Obviously physical attraction is pretty important, I cannot say I have a specific look I that I will go for, but I tend to definitely know it when I see it. I generally prefer a girl who is driven and understands what it takes to succeed in life, but isn’t so fixated on “status and possessions” that she overlooks the small things in life. Ultimately, I find that women who understand themselves, have taken the time to figure out what they need/want in life & go about obtaining those things to possess that sort of confidence that you cannot fake and that I find tremendously attractive.

Dreams & Aspirations:
My financial aspirations are very much tied into my personal dreams because I am very driven to succeed, mostly due to my competitive nature. However for me, work is more of a means to an end than it is anything else. I get very little satisfaction out of my professional career no matter how successful it may become. I don’t measure myself in dollars and titles, but rather in what I ultimately am able to provide my family with. So in accordance with that my dreams are to watch my family grow around me. I want to see my wife happy and content with both herself and her lot in life (much in the way I am). I unfortunately don’t see a lot of the values that are important to me being instilled in the children of this generation and so my life’s work will be providing these important values and lessons for my own children. While it may take many sacrifices, and I look forward to each and all of them, it is most important to me that I am able to provide my children with everything possible in order to raise them to be well-adjusted, educated, driven adults.

Most people simply put “travel the world” in this section and here I could give a shit less about traveling. If I were to desire to remain single, I would probably be totally content living in the hills of Montanta just enjoying the clean air, beautiful landscape and knowing I haven't a neighbor within rifle-shot. Perhaps surprisingly, as a child I was given the privilege of traveling much of North America and it's surrounding islands and I loved every minute of it. I believe it had a great impact on me and I cannot wait to provide that for my own children. I would never stand in the way of taking my family to any destination in the world if it were their dream. Truth-be-told, I cannot stand traveling, I drive a 50 + miles just to go to and from work every day and if it were up to me, I wouldn’t even leave the cross street that I live on. I live right outside Chicago and I go 3 times a year, because some asshole forces me. When I want to vacation, I take consecutive days off and enjoy a long weekend at home or I go to either Milwaukee, Wi or New Orleans, LA (both destinations of which I have either lived in or visited over 25 times).

Last Impressions:
In summary, humorously dissimilar to the motto of our current President, “ I don’t like change.”


Her Remarks:
Seriously, you win the award for being the most single minded, already “irreversibly set in your ways” old man I have ever met. You accomplished all of these many feats before your 26th birthday and that is something to marvel at. Additionally, you are a gifted conversationalist who manages to garner the attention of many attractive women all the while concealing a sociopathic outlook on life and desire to be completely independent of “modern civilization”.

You do understand if you actually want to meet a girl that is even remotely attractive, you cannot go around telling them this, right? Seriously, you have to lie to make people like you!

My Remarks:
Yes, Yes & I know, I already do.

Lunch Friday, for sure!

Preface:
This is the common little tactic used by flakey individuals (ages 19 -37, 44 - 59); whereas they make a date or plan with you, act very excited about said scheduled event, even making reference to it beforehand with an energetic “can’t wait!”, all the while having absolutely zero intention (subconsciously nor consciously) of keeping the date or plans with you. This is probably one of the most annoying and intolerable things a person can do to me.

The ‘fake date’:
This is the girl that energetically says “we should go see…” or “when are you going to ask me to…” or my personal favorite “I cannot wait until (prescheduled date)” with absolutely zero intention of “seeing…”, “Going…” or “attending…” anything at all. She is a liar. She is not accountable and therefore can never again be trusted, at all, ever. This is quite possibly the most irritating person imaginable for me, because I typically prefer my plans set in immovable stone months in advance. In fact, if it were within my capabilities, I would pull out a “life calendar” and schedule; my wedding day (preferably with a picture of who?), children’s birth date, job promotions, new home purchase, my newest car, children’s graduations, marriages, grandchildren and my eventual death. That way, there is nothing unpredictable nor unexpected that I cannot adequately prepare for and thus accommodate.

I voluntarily admit that I am not the most patient person roaming this Earth. I understand that it is a little ridiculous that I only allow a person to reschedule with me one (1) time without penalty. If however, I am asked to reschedule anything, be it business or more importantly a date more than once or if by chance I already rescheduled and then you showed up late there is a strong possibility I will immediately write you off as “worthless” or a “liability” and will no longer view you as a viable option for anything. This isn’t to say I will cut ties with you exactly, assuming you had some worthwhile contribution that made me want to gather with you in the first place, but I certainly will keep you on the shortest of strings. It is a place within my world that is almost impossible to dig yourself out of (not that you probably even care what I think).

I suppose in this regard, I just don’t understand your motivation. Is it conflict avoidance? Are you honestly not interested, but fear to reject another? If so, why drag it out so far? This makes no sense to me, on any level. Perhaps you are interested and at that very moment, ready and excited to get together, but then, when the time arrives, you simply cannot get yourself in order or you have some other option that seems more entertaining. Yet another possibility, you are simply a self-absorbed, unaccountable child that has absolutely zero understanding as to what it means to keep your word and honor your responsibilities. Yes, that sounds like a winner.

This type of behavior coming from anyone is likely to send me into a raging tailspin, but women more so than my male friends, mostly because I don’t give a shit what my friends do. I don’t have any vested interest in friends whereabouts. Women on the other hand, I am trying to forge a relationship with in order to get married and have a family, so naturally you can see how beginning a relationship on such an unfortunate note would be rather damaging. Of course, this isn’t to say when my friends pull this same bullshit, that I don’t become completely enraged, because I very much do.

The ‘for sure’:
Similar to when this occurs in the form of the ‘fake date’, the plutonic friends version heretofore referred to as the ‘for sure’ is equally frustrating, just not as impactful and thus not quite the same level of rage is attained. Very similar to the girls ‘fake date’ these friends will call you often days beforehand to confirm or to display their excitement for the upcoming weekend's plans only to either no show you or call to cancel when it is clearly beyond the acceptable cancelation notice date. Will they give you a truthful excuse (if they even were courteous enough to officially cancel)? Yes, they give you an acceptable excuse…if in fact you're completely retarded and without a logical thought in your head. If however, you practice rational thought, their excuse will be jumbled, nonsensical, and probably completely without merit. So, to re-answer that question…No. They will not give you an adequate reasoning to excuse their absence.

This often pisses me off more than the no show itself. I am well aware my posts would have you believe I am an arrogant and egotistical person, but I assure you while I am confident in my beliefs and way of life, I do not view myself as being better for it. I don’t particularly care what others think of me nor do I think they care what I think of them, for this reason, I would prefer when given a excuse for being “for sured” I would just as soon rather you told me “Larry, I found a better option than you. I’m sorry, I am not a very accountable person and I understand if you never invite me anywhere again.” Or some variation of that would suffice. Instead, I get some complete cluster-fuck of an irrational excuse for your not being accountable. This is an insult to my intelligence and now you have added yet another reason for me to be violently pissed over this entire situation, when it could have been avoided three different times (1. By simply denying my request or plans 2. Calling before the appropriate notification date to tell me you are no longer interested in our plans or 3. Actually being honorable and accountable for your actions and following through on your commitments).

Then there is the full on no show people. This is seriously amazing to me. I often sit back and attempt to rationally deconstruct these occurrences every single time somebody pulls this shit on me. First, I think to myself, what a poor, foolish creature, they cannot even remember simple things such as “be here at 1pm". Then I actually start to piece the event back together from the beginning, which is where you have to determine, did this person agree to these plans with ANY intention of keeping them? Often if you think it through, it is obvious they didn’t have a single intention to do so. However, say at the actual time the agreement took place, they did want to fulfill their responsibilities or did fully intend to honor their commitment. What then happened between point A and point B that managed to have them not only no show, but also no call, then subsequently no follow up apology for their inexcusable flakiness. In all the years I have been trying to deal with this, without resorting to violence, I have only come up with 2 possible explanations for this behavior. One possibility is a tremendous anxiety or fear of rejection, this is a person who simply cannot say no to anyone because of the possibility that they will not be viewed as cool or not be approved of. So as a result, they agree to everyone’s plans and have the intention of either no showing everyone or picking the best (rather, what would be perceived as the best option) and blowing off the remainder. Then naturally due to their fear or rejection, post incident they issue a half-assed excuse that has very little sincerity and even less logical basis, that is if they issue any statement on their own behalf at all. This is because again, their fear of rejection wouldn’t allow them to endure the suffering of being accountable for their own actions. I feel a slight bit of sympathy for this person, because really they are just a victim of their own ineptitude and they honestly mean no harm in their actions. Therefore, you must identify these people right away and implement a system to account for them, because they aren’t bad people, just sort of pathetic and unreliable. The second type is the classic liar, they cannot be trusted at all. Everything revolves around them, they want you to like them not because of a fear of rejection, but rather because they believe they potentially could need you in the future. This way they can keep you in their hip pocket, then when they need you, play sweet and be very reliable, but then once your of no immediate use, off into the darkness they go again. This person is a piece of shit. They are the people who most often make plans with you, then skip them because in their warped mind they think that by them making the initial plan, it seems more “evident” they were well intentioned (I mean honestly, who is crazy enough to make a plan with no intent on keeping it right from the beginning?). This is their calling card, they are playing a game with you and if you are blind to it, that’s your fault. This person should be responded to with equal respect, which is to say, when they finally ask for help (which they will) perhaps a recommendation or something, you don’t come through. You write, this person isn’t accountable or you simply “forget” to respond, similarly to how they “forgot” to keep their word.

My $.02:
This sort of shit always pissed me off, I recall being in grade school and kids would say they were coming over after school then they wouldn’t and I would literally go in the backyard and break something. That was as a little kid, when it was actually their parents that were our intermediaries, now, it is up to us to react accountably. After much thought on this, I concluded that this behavior actually reaches further than just a simple 'no show'. I actually think there is a definite link between the “serial no show” and the “none responsive texter”. This person is probably the exact same, you know you check your cell phone about 50 times a minute and you see every text go through, so you are telling me, you saw my text, then just ignored it? What, you planned to address it later? That makes no sense to me at all. So, similar to my “rescheduling patience” I will text you 1 time and if it isn’t addressed until hours later, I will not again text you before you have texted me, then say you neglect to respond to my text at all, I will never again text you without your having initiated the texting with me, first.

I relate this behavior to that of the no show, because in a way, it displays identical behavioral tendencies. Clearly you aren’t capable of maintaining communication levels adequate enough to carry on a worthwhile relationship with another. Thus, you are to be marginalized and shortly thereafter disposed of for all intensive purposes. Which leads to my favorite line of excuses…

When people recognize that they have been revealed and that you are on to them, they come up with the greatest excuses and apologies to try and fool you into re-inviting them into your life. Unfortunately, I hold grudges and I like it that way. I don’t often issue second chance passes and for that reason, I have almost no baggage and complete control of my surroundings at all times. This doesn’t mean I don’t listen to the excuses, I always hear it out, because they are generally so entertaining and irrational that it provides me with humor (after all, if the person doesn’t provide you with consistent accountability, the least they can do is make me laugh). So, I hear them out, however stupid and ridiculous they may sound, then generally dismiss them as worthy companions almost in the same moment of thought.

Lastly, the reason, I am so hardlined about this policy is that I personally have been witness to some rather ridiculous occurrences and still managed to maintain communication with those who I was supposed to. For example, how am I supposed to react when a person (date or friend – while noting, I could give a shit what the friend is actually doing) says “I’ll text you later tonight” then they don’t, then they say “well, I am going to the lake for the weekend” or “a friends party” or whatever else and they say either they will regularly text you or call you on occasions to keep up or to set up plans upon their return…and you neither hear from them via text or call. Now, keep in mind, I would personally see to it that you received your regular text not 2 minutes before or after the times I told you I would deliver it, and likely I would call you that evening or morning or both depending on the relationship. That said, you didn’t hear from them at all so naturally a dipshit would make excuses for them “they didn’t have service, their phone died, they were too busy, they were in a loud place and didn’t check their phone, Etc.”. My response, buuuuuuuuuullSHIT! All of those excuses are completely unacceptable, simple truth, they put they before you OR they simply aren’t accountable people, therefore, I make roster cuts. Reasoning for such beliefs; 3 examples of situations I have been in where I maintained communication. (i) I was in Bumfuck, Iowa and had zero service on my cell phone, so, I wrote the number down, went to a person I was familiar with and asked “I have no service here, would you mind if used your phone for a few moments.” Person obliged me and problem was solved. (ii) I have a history of breaking my cell phone. I also don’t remember peoples phone numbers on account of just clicking their speed dial or name, so it could be somewhat difficult. I was put into this position when telling a girl I would call her later in the evening, obviously not wanting to blow her off nor make a bad impression, I decided to find someone with my same carrier and use their phone with my sim card, which then brought all of my contact info as well as my recognized phone number up and BAM! I was able to call her and make arrangements exactly as I had promised. (iii) most extreme case of contacting a person under duress; I had told my mother I would text her when I returned home; only the problem was, I got drunk, my friends left with my car (including my wallet) and I got into a fight that included exchanging hits to the face and subsequently, I broke my phone in my defense. Drunk, somewhat concussed, without a phone, without a wallet and in a mild snow storm (wearing just a bloody T-shirt) I managed to find a taxi ride home, emailed my mother to tell her I was okay and without a phone, then by noon the following day, I had found my car, wallet, purchased a new phone and sim card and was back in business as if nothing had happened at all. So within 8-10 hours, I went from, no car, no wallet, no phone, drunk & concussed to sober, in my car, with my wallet, a new phone and a new sim card carrying my same number and contacts!

So please don’t try to tell me you couldn’t find time or manage to contact me with your whereabouts or ETA, you unaccountable son of a bitch!

"About Last Night"

Preface:
Sorry in advance for the cheesy reference to the 80's flick with Demi Moore (who I must say, may have been the most beautiful woman on the planet in this movie) and Rob Lowe. After I read this article posted in the CNN.com "living" Section, it prompted me to go home and pull out this movie. Which in the interest of full disclosure, is one of my favorite movies (not just because Demi Moore is without clothing a large duration of said movie) because this movie is one of the few that I think accurately depicts life for 20 somethings trying to make it "honest". However, this movie frustrates me more than any other "chick flick" on Earth (probably because it mirrors reality for most). I watch it, and can't help but laugh at Belushi and his sexist remarks (which are great) and how he lies about all of his sexual conquests to impress a younger co-worker (completely typical) then there is Demi (Debbie) and her "bitch on wheels" roommate. The movie basically revolves around this cast of mental delinquents and if you are a person like me, you watch it halfway laughing and fullway frowning. Because, while the parts of the movie with love and affection and undoubtedly when "Danny" goes back for his "Debbie", you can't help but feel giddy yourself. But the entire middle of the movie you are watching their relationship come unraveled by outside sources and lack of internal understanding of themselves. Dan is a complete dickhead and Debbie has completely unrealistic expectations.

That said, I honestly didn't mean to dissect this movie here, but after just seeing it again and then reading the following article it made me think "Do people really struggle this much to be happy together?"


CNN Article:
I hope your cohabitation doesn't end the way two (two!) of mine did -- with helicopters launching off the roof amidst tornadoes of debris and smoke, a single individual hanging off the skids, flipping the bird to the person whose name is on the lease.

There are plenty of good reasons to move in with your significant other. For a man, the primary benefit is that the place where he lives suddenly smells great, like lilacs, and fresh meadows and Care Bear farts. Curtains magically appear, throw rugs sprout, and bed linens are soft enough to butter muffins with.

I'm sure there are plenty of men out there with stylishly furnished apartments and houses, but I'm missing that chromosome. To me, "Ikea" is just Swedish for "International House of Tiny Meatballs."

I could make a fortune if I opened a store for bachelors called "Foam Block Depot," where a single man could purchase all kinds of large-, medium-, and small-sized foam blocks that he could stack into couches, beds, tables and chairs. Spill-proof, soft yet firm, and totally utilitarian -- they'd come in two colors, "industrial" and "medium-rare."

Another positive reason to move in with the girlfriend is that it allows both parties to sample domestic bliss. In both instances of living with a girlfriend, I was surprised at how pleasurable it was to get home from work before her and to start making her favorite dinner.

Or how Sunday mornings were easy, just like the song. There was even a Zen-like comfort in tackling chores together -- I'd take out the trash; she'd do the dishes; we'd both read trashy horror novels while we did our laundry.

But this seemingly mature merger of two adults in love was illusory, as I was out of my depths. In both instances, I made a major commitment without seriously considering the responsibilities.


I have moved in with girlfriends, and we've both kidded ourselves that it was to save money, that our marriage playacting was a smart financial move -- it wasn't and isn't.

This is probably one of the worst lies couples tell themselves when shacking up. If you want to save money, get a roommate. Bind yourself to a lease with someone you aren't emotionally bound to, as money is a landmine in the intoxicating poppy field of romance.

The saving money rationale is a smokescreen obscuring what was probably an impulsive decision made while freebasing love, pheromones, and giddy optimism. And speaking of those three: living together is the fastest way to go from Friday-night lovemaking to Friday-night carbo loading.


I understand the excitement of making a decision that seems like a perfect middle ground between new love and marriage. But the red eye to heartbreak is fueled with sweet nothings.

The worst reason to move in with your main squeeze is to test out whether or not he/she is marriage material. There are no guarantees when it comes to that institution, no beta-test, no half-measures. I've actually said, "We're going to see if we're compatible!" What a superficial thing to say. If I love a woman and am compelled to give her access to my rotten DNA, compatibility is moot. I love her totally, and flaws are part of that equation.


Marriage is another word for "trust." Maybe "trust, plus." It is two people full of doubts, shortcomings, and love holding hands and jumping together. It's a risk, fraught with the potential to fail, and that makes it beautiful. Three-legged races, where two people hop, stumble, get back up, and maybe hit a stride until they fall again. It's funny, frustrating, and the wedding ring is a symbol for the rope tying two legs together.

I've written a lot recently about my folks: They weren't perfect. They fought, bickered, and had some tough years. But I admire their marriage and don't really feel the need to top it. I should have known better than to have doomed two relationships to failure by writing a check my emotional maturity couldn't cash.


Women want weddings too much, men not enough. Women embrace the intimacy; men fear the responsibility. Maybe if we switched those two, women would understand why men sometimes agree to moving in as a way to put off what they think is inevitable, and men would understand why a woman would settle for a major step closer to a cherished event in her life.

I will never move in with another girlfriend, unless I'm pretty damn sure I'm willing to stand with her, in front of friends, family, Zeus, Odin, and Quetzalcoatl, and make the big gamble. Because, man, what a jackpot.

Of course, if I do end up living with my girlfriend, feel free to admonish me. You know, three's the charm. Until then, I just like to pretend her place is my weekend cottage

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Him:
I guess I will begin by saying, The fact that this loser Author has incurred two massive failures while attempting to live with his girlfriend speaks volumes about him and his intelligence. But more baffling is his lack of understanding or recognition of failure. First, I am just totally confused as to why you would move your girlfriend in if you weren’t at least 95% positive she was the wife of your future. Moreover, if you needed to move her in to determine that? You are a complete dipshit. Your lack of understanding here is utterly unacceptable and you are the reason it is so damn hard for decent, intelligent men to find women without an entourage worth of baggage. So on behalf of myself and those like me, Fuck you very much, Sir.

You seemingly had zero expectation (similar to “Danny”) as to what changes could and SHOULD occur once you have joined households. Did you think honestly, this was just like having a roommate that doesn’t download porn on your computer? Because, if so, you’re not a smart person. The fact that you acted the first go around like it was just "two heads 1 bed" and you could still go on with your typical day was your failure, but to not recognize it before it was too late or worse yet before you made the EXACT same mistake a SECOND time is completely ridiculous. I understand it was in the interest of humoring your article that you described the “positives” of her moving in as; good smells, food and other useless shit. I get this weird feeling, that you actually thought that to be the positives, not that you would have a person to come home to and discuss your day, a person who you can openly make fun of your friends with and know (if you chose the right girl) she won’t break her silence without massive torture. You have the same girl to come home to and you can instill some much needed consistency to your life. That on a great day, you will have someone to share your joy with and on a sad day there will be a smiling face that can instantly help to mend your sadness (or occasionally she will make you insane – but sometimes a little crazy is healthy). If you need a woman to make your place smell better, I suggest you begin better showering habits (also note: if you cannot even take care of yourself on a physical level how the shit do you think you can take care or even assist her on ANY level?)

You then follow up with a litany of things that are just dreadful about living with your lady of lust…sorry, I meant love. This I could take in many different directions, but in the interest of eventually linking this blame with the female in question, I will chose common ground. In the movie, Belushi’s character is a Neanderthal (which I admire) but, unfortunately he is also a patheticly shallow man with much loneliness very little contentment in his life. This is evident in his outlandish behavior around bar women or women in general, his tall tales of sexual conquest and his degradation of women from the opening sentence on. Furthermore he needs “Danny” to give himself adequacy by earning the admiration of a younger, better looking, co-worker. Sadly, this is a very common theme among men. They feel this need when they are the down and out guy to seek out other men to bring down to their level (they call it guys night) but really its typically the few single guys that can’t get their shit together and are so inadequate that they need to drag others around them down just so they don’t have to wallow in self pity. Likewise, the better looking guy loves the attention he gets and feels a strange need to bash his girlfriend, in an effort to trivialize their relationship for his friends sake (quality friends). And why? Because it will impress the male friends (who use you to validate themselves). Tell me, does this make any sense at all? Seriously, is there any rational reason for this? No. there is no reason. It is very stupid behavior. But nonetheless, men like this author get caught up in feeling they have “lost” their freedom or sense of “manhood” because they can’t go out and whistle at skirts all night with their hard-on friend (who literally probably has a sexual batting average well below his own weight).

Just to confirm, you would prefer the freedom to chase girls and booze with lonely and self wallowing men over spending your evenings with a beautiful woman who loves you and who is not only a sure thing, but will always be that sure thing? Got it.

This is infuriatingly stupid.


Her:
You my dear, are not without blame here either. You like our male friend allow your friends and ex’s to share the same stage as your beau. I am sorry if you think that is acceptable, but it just isn’t. Like I said with the guy, your expectations must be accurately judged and thus your hand played accordingly, same for you too. You have to understand that (especially on a rough day) your man will NOT respond well to the threats of some other guy who thinks he is going to sneak in the back door or some “guy friend” who offers a little too much friendship. In this case, if I am the guy, I grab him by his pencil thin neck and make him acknowledge how near death he is (I also believe this is well within my rights). Most men are no different than four legged creatures, we are territorial, piss outdoors and you should know that by now. You probably got away with that shit when you dated (but don’t confuse it, he wanted to murder them then too – just didn’t want to blow his cover). Now you SHARE a home, so that shit, has to stop, unless of course you don’t mind if he invites his big fake-titted friend over for morning waffles? “hey babe, were just friends (said with a smirk)”. So cut the shit, lose the guy friend at least around your partner with whom you plan to wed. Then you have your girlfriends like “Joan – the bitch on wheels” from the movie. She is so pathetic and unhappy that she cannot help but destroy anything you have, that is better than hers. It's her life's blood source. She will bring in tension, she will always take sides and without fail bash your boyfriend. When she isn’t busy doing that, she will trivialize all the little niceties of your romance (e.g. date night, sandwich night, the cute little quirks, etc.). why? Because it just isn’t in her best interest to see you succeed where she has failed and most importantly, if you move on, where does that leave her? Out in the fucking trash bin, that’s where (and if you asked me, that’s where she belongs). You have got to know how to contain your friends just like the guy does. He CANNOT allow himself to act or react based on earning the “respect” of his peers or he is doomed to fail and hurt the girl he actually loves. Similarly, the girl has got to be able to keep her distance from friends that are detrimental to the team effort. She cannot allow her boyfriend to become the butt of the girls jokes or to allow “their” relationship to be marginalized by outsiders. Because what is said, eventually becomes what is thought which eventually becomes what is.

The girl in this also has the tendency to come in to the newly shared address like Stalin’s Red Army. She tries to change her guy and “domesticate” him from the word go. Foolishly not knowing that his wild streak or spirit is what she is most attracted to. So while she house breaks him, she actually becomes less attracted to him because he is no longer unpredictable and fun, then you match that up with the fact he is a son-of-bitch now, because you stole his identity from him, it is pretty obvious this is headed for the skids already.

Changing him will not do you any good what so ever. modifying patterns however, are fine, especially if you do it together. For example; if he does after work drinks on a couple nights a week, try joining him one of the nights and on the other, convince your own friends to go out for dinner or something. This way you both have conceded a little. Both of you should agree on a decent time to be home because if you want to have a strong union it is important to at the very least cover the day in brief prior to going to bed (surely this can’t happen all the time, but certainly 90+%). You both need to have your own identity so splitting the days up verbally first is a great idea, why should you both have completely separate lives? That is dumb, why live together even? (If all you want to do is screw, then just find a cheap motel somewhere between your apartments). I think it strengthens the trust when the guy knows and is comfortable with the girls friends and vice versa. So, alternate between "his and hers" nights, 1 week her friends, 1 week his, invite both to all parties (if you have friends who don't get along. tough shit, they are grown ups, tell them to "fuck or walk") . It's important you never break these rules either, because then you begin to keep score and it falls apart. Just make sure it’s an even split and don’t bitch when it’s not your turn. You are 25 years old or more, you aren’t 7, it’s time you learn to share and be an accountable adult.

Lastly, on the blame absorbed by her, there are a few moments in the movie where “Debbie” mentions "living with Dan" is like two kids playing house. That is something I think often stems from the women trying to instantly duplicate their mothers house, certainly that was the case in the movie. Move in, paint the walls, change the carpet & set a schedule. Playing wife isn’t really a great idea until you are actually “his wife” and even then, you may want to keep that contained. Obviously, you want to make a warm home and you are in fact the female “wife figure” of the home, but that doesn’t mean in a week we have "his and hers" baths, drapes & new linens. Take your time. It takes two people to build a household representative of themselves. Which in my mind, is the essence of their relationship as a whole, to create a home together. You can’t just move in and take over and "play house" because it will piss him off, abruptly change the tone of the relationship and probably blow up in your face.


Us:
There of course is the end result of “Us” in this equation. I am honestly not sure how both men and women do not know this stuff already, because to be honest, it seems pretty obvious and self explanatory. But it certainly appears to not be too obvious for most people seeing as; the divorce rate is off the charts, I hear about couples breaking up almost more than I hear about the Cubs losing baseball games, the movie was so realistic it gave the jitters and the above referenced article was clearly a guy with lots of experience in life failure.

All in all, I have to say, a huge part of the success comes down to meeting the right person for you. But, it’s not the only factor, it is just one of many. If you cannot understand what it takes to live with another person, specifically your partner, you probably ought to stay away from that for a long time because you are clearly an adolescent. If you don’t desire to sacrifice for another and work together cleaning up your messes than you are not even really ready for a girlfriend, let alone a wife (or live-in). It just confuses the hell out of me as to how people can be so fucking oblivious to everything that goes on around them. Do men really feel like they are threatened by a girlfriend or wife? They really have the urge to go chase ass? Seriously, at your peak skill level, you couldn’t possibly have had quality scores ( ≥7.5 /10) better than 40% of your times going out, now even less so. Is it really that exciting, chasing some skank that chose you simply because, well, you were there at the time? I just don’t understand it. I can’t understand men that validate themselves by their earning power or how much ass they can collect, most of which is simply out of happenstance. I personally would do just about anything to get out of chasing ass at bars and create some consistency but it seems that most of the girls out there are just about as blind as the men.

It’s no wonder everybody is fucked up.

The women in this article or in the movie make me laugh even more than the men. Because at least the men are stupid and easy to figure out. You ladies literally fool yourselves. It’s almost sad (if it weren’t so damn funny). Literally, all of you cry about how badly you want “insert name or type of guy” then when you have him, you immediately try to change him or housebreak him, turning him into an entirely different person, then as a result you get a guy who is not only half the man he used to be, he is ill tempered because he got neutered. For his trouble, do you know what he gets? Um, either cheated on or forced out. And do you care to know why? Because he has “changed" he isn’t the guy "I thought he was".

Are you fucking serious?

This is what happens when you are not particularly intelligent nor well thoughtout and you meet a guy that meets all of the traits you seem to desire, but you never actually took the time to see if those traits can coexist with you. In fact, you probably didn’t even take the time to understand yourself at all. So literally you are lost all around, then you look to other lost girlfriends with jealous motives to help assist you. If you need a slide rule to figure this out, what I am saying is… you create your own problems. You scout wrong, you draft poorly, you over-develop your prospects and your outcome is generally predictably bad.


Success is a pretty simple recipe:
Before dating another, figure out; who you are, whether you are a planner or not, traveler or not, want children or not & what lifestyle you desire to achieve (that eliminates at least 2/3 of the potential suitors right there). Then learn to share with others (2nd grade), Learn to listen and follow directions (3rd grade), develop rational thoughts and ideals that you won’t deviate from (college), observe others fail and laugh while taking notes (your entire life) & DON’T PLAY GAMES WITH PEOPLE!

Mother Nature

Mother Nature


Feel the warmth subside
As the sun begins to hide
I fight the cool air
Just I question if it’s fair.

The leaves already fell
If time you couldn’t tell
The grounds covered by frost
My mind feels almost lost.

With the roads treading slick
All our prayers greet old St. Nick
My hope springs eternal
Though secretly within this journal.

Laying hidden beneath the snow
There is something I surely know
I’ve asked for no more gloom
And wish of flowers in full bloom.

With rain clouds that have clearly grew
Our time together isn't nearly through
Anything to put my mind at ease, but perhaps
It's simply nature which holds all the keys.

Wanna Hear My Sales Pitch?

Preface:
I recently had a run-in with an in-mall "Kiosk salesman". It is probably not one of my prouder moments, but it certainly did yield a fabulous outcome. The following post is a real life encounter with a salesperson, followed by a brief synopsis on what I learned from my aggressive outburst and how I think it can be applied to other sales people.

Kiosk Fanook:
I was recently shopping for a new pair of basketball shoes (I always go to footlocker because the people that work there are so fucking lazy that they almost never bother me). While I was strolling by, I noticed a cell phone Kiosk (normally I use better judgment and avoid Kiosks because typically they are managed by chicken-shit pussy jadrools with “Sonic the Hedgehog hairdos”) but as it were, I need a new cell phone and am sort of on the fence about what to get. Now, not to be too arrogant but, I am checking phones and reading the info on them with no intention of asking for help. I am quite certain I don’t need the assistance of some high school dropout with acne and too much cologne on. But you know how this shit always goes, in fact, so do I, clearly against my better judgment.

As you can be sure, the fanook came wandering over with a little swagger (which further pissed me off. I guess, I assume if I had hit that same life-low-point I would walk with my head down in shame – to each his own) he says “Yo guy, how can I help you today? What phone do you rock now?” within my mind I answered him by saying “go fuck yourself you absolutely worthless piece of garbage.” But instead, I try to be a little more patient and understanding of his needs and role in the world. So I tell the guy, “Thank you for checking into my needs, I however need no assistance at this time. You name is? 'Kyle', well 'Kyle', I will get a hold of you should I need anything. Thank you.” He then walked away, but only for a moment, then returning with a handful of phone shit – “we have a special on this and that with a contract and if you want to buy this out of” – I abruptly responded, “Kyle, I am not interested in making a purchase today with you, a purchase of any kind.” My natural patience level will only allow for a second attempt from a sales person, especially a Kiosk boner. My third response comes when he approaches me again saying I should buy something with the holiday around the corner “perhaps something for the Mrs. Or momz” as I believe he posed it. This was a poor decision on his part because this sort of generic terminology in reference to my “girlfriend, wife or mother” I find to be both disrespectful and insulting. Call me crazy, but the second “momz” came out of his mouth, I was already on the edge of flipping the kiosk over and turning his already shitty life upside down. I just instead said “Listen, you fucking grease-stain, I told you politely twice, at this point I just don’t want to hear your fucking mouth anymore. Now piss off.” I then watched as he tried to get all “badass looking” at me like, “Dude, if this were the Bronx, we would have an old fashion knife fight”. Instead he sheepishly walked away from me.

A New System of Thought:
I know it isn’t a proud moment to be me, yeah, I yelled at some Kiosk warrior, but it did need to be done, because I am sick of these little bastards. They are like cockroaches. But honestly, it got me thinking about how to handle all these people that cold call or “inside market” you. The system is simple, first time a polite “no thank you.” Second time a stern “I am not interested, please don’t call me.” And if forced into a third communicative reaction, expect a violent verbal assault coming to you. But, when you think about it, three times is as much as 3 minutes of talk time wasted when a few words should suffice. So, going forward, I utilize softball rules and give 2 strikes. First call, I say, thank you for your offer but I don’t care to hear from you anymore. Second call, I just unload on you until you get that I think very little of you.

This doesn’t just go for lowly kiosk workers, this goes for the businesses that call me at work repeatedly, the contractors that try to pinch me or even the friends referral that lead some Insurance salesman to my door step looking for a handout. Listen, I am sorry the economy sucks, that you picked a shitty college or that you didn’t go to college at all and now want to make shall we say “educated money”, but I don’t give a shit and I am not interested in helping you. For the next kid who calls me to talk investments or insurance, I hear you, I see you (unfortunately) I understand you were trained by big league sleaze to talk over and through people in order to get the quota, unfortunately for you, I am far more intelligent than you and I am not going to tolerate your “aggressive marketing”. Now, I am not a complete son of a bitch, either. So I’ll explain your options; call me on reference, tell me who referred you to me, how you know them & and your education level. I will tell you immediately my interest level in working with you in the future. If you try to aggressively go after my sale, I will just explode in a violent verbal outburst and you will be left tattered and offended.

Conclusion:
I implore you to take my approach on and stop letting these weasels get away with actively calling us and 'facebooking’ us until out of literal desperation we agree to meet with them “to drum up contacts”. Sure, if it’s a “1st or 2nd cut friend”, meet with him, share your network, but if it’s even a borderline person, tell the fuck to take a walk. Otherwise, I am just going to continue looking like the unsympathetic prick despite everybody secretly being envious that I no longer get bothered by sales pitches (whether it’s because I no longer have friends or because I am so miserable to be around that even salesman shy away). Because the truth is I refuse to sit around thinking to myself “this asshole annoys the hell out of me and for what? I am 25 w/o a family, and he thinks I want Life Insurance!” . When the people call me I will actually say it to their face (I once told a friend referral that I was out of work, without education, without family and without friends – interestingly enough, he didn’t want to meet up for “drinks” thereafter). Similarly for the sales clerk, I understand the shopping strategy, I also know your job has a quota. So, if I need something, I’ll find you. If I don’t, I will just look & leave at my leisure, if you annoy me more than one time, I am going to just tell you what I think of you, your manager, and the shitty store I am about to leave.

Are you the prick that...

Preface:
There exists out a person who is so ridiculously self absorbed that they completely abuse every "common utility" known to man. I am here to find this son of a bitch and call his or her ass out!

The "Drinking Fountain Spitter":
You know what I am talking about. You walk up thirsty as hell and you look down only to see a big nasty loogie drying in the bowl. Utterly disgusting! Every other day I walk up to my office "bubbler" to you out of stater(s), and there is a nasty wad in bowl. I have pretty much narrowed it down to about two possibilities; this fat bastard who just looks lazy as shit, the kind of person who is so completely out of shape and ambition that he just no longer gives a shit what anyone thinks of him or this complete prick with a slickback hair cut, a rather sizable skin blemish on his face & a 7 Series BMW in the garage. He is about the most self absorbed person I have met in recent memory, which is surprising considering the sizable skin blemish on his face. I would be rather unassuming if I had such a huge strawberry on my face, but not him, no sir.

One of these days I am going to just camp out there until I see either of these assholes load up for the spit and then I am going to burst out and just verbally abuse them until either I am satisfied or the police are phoned (totally worth a trip to the 5-0). Problem is, results totally depend on the perpetrator , because the lazy man will likely not even care that I am screaming at him, he will probably just spit & walk away (despite having some dribble hanging off his fat lip until he eats again because that’s the sort of lazy fucker this guy is). The other guy will just lie and say it wasn’t him, because he looks like the type of sleazy prick that would walk out of a whore house into the hands of his wife and tell her “Naw honey, I just go up there to read the articles” and she buys his bullshit (mostly because of his slickback). So what good is it to even bother trying to stop and hastle these bastards? I’ll tell you. Because it just doesn’t end with the water fountain, these are the same type of people that piss all over the rim of the toilet seat and walk away, the same guy that farts in public areas or undresses your girlfriend with his eyes right in front of you. These are the pieces of shit that need to be stopped. So I am saying, if I catch this fucker in the act, I may be obligated to either go downstairs and ram a Philips head screw driver into his whitewalls or in the very least verbally assault him and maybe even piss on his office welcome mat.

I’m just saying this aggression will not stand!

Sportsmanship: A debate for the losers

Preface:
Simply put, you lost, you ought to feel utterly humiliated with yourself and you should be treated as such.

Case & Facts:
I am so tired of listening to people piss and moan about how people reacted to their winning or losing in anything albeit sports or a business proposal. As was often said years ago, "to the victor go the spoils." and I believe it. I am not saying that when you win you should be running around jumping like a some queer from the circus but, certainly telling the other team "I am better than you and I defeated you soundly." shouldn't be a cause for concern or repercussion. If I lose, you will know it, I am furious with myself, almost to the point of nausea. I may have a very poor demeanor or I might even become a little violent. This is natural and in my view, a healthy approach, it shows you have some pride. Coincidently, when I lose, I have now opened myself up to the harassment of my opposition. He may treat me however he shall see fit. Knowing full well that my limitations are set in stone no matter what the score. If he is respectful in victory and simply tells me, great match, you were a good competitor but just not good enough today or he just slightly puts me out. I will treat him similarly in my victory. If he however is a joke and puts me out, I may well feel the obligation to remind him of his mortality and bounce his ass off the floor a few times. Keeping in mind whatever repercussions will be mine and mine alone because my losing in the first place is what even allowed this all to transpire.

Heat of the battle:
All of this “sportsmanship” and “gamesmanship” within the competition is a nothing more than a debate for the losers, something they can cry about to save face or not have to be ridiculed. It really is just a way to justify their loss and somehow still be seen on the same field as the winners, who are clearly superior. For example, with little kids, not having a clearly defined winner and loser cut the shit, if little Tommy doesn't understand he sucks at Tee ball, he never will understand when he sucks at life. It will build the loser's character and his durability, if nothing else, it should give him some incentive to work a little harder.

Off the field I might like you, hell I may even love you. On the field you are just another asshole I’m going to have to deal with and if that means I lay your ass out and step on your chest while doing so, so be it. I don’t believe in helping my opponent up, you help yourself, I don’t believe in sliding safely to not injure or playing defense without throwing jabs. If you get hurt, it’s your fault for not being a step ahead of me, if I get hurt, I am the asshole who didn’t prepare properly or it means while jostling for position, I was left insufficient. Either way you look at it, I am not helping you up. I will get in your head, I will bring up tough moments in your life, I will do whatever it takes to bend your focus or get you to implode and make just 1 mistake and then I will burn you on it, and I will do it repeatedly if you let me. I expect the same from you, if you don’t I will just think you’re a pansy and thus, I will work even harder to break you down mentally.

Often when the body isn’t holding up (similarly to the mind) we spout off threats or cocky guarantees in an effort to place fear in the opposition to hopefully shorten the gap in ability closer within our favor. I feed on those sort of things, I don’t make those comments because I expect the same of you. Sometime within a game or debate a person will start spouting off, it is typically an early warning of fatigue or waning confidence, that is the best time to strike. I often will go back and forth with people (most obviously in sports – but it works in just about everything) just long enough to get them to start mouthing off or doing anything I view as a deflection of focus, then I pounce on them and I just go until they are completely defeated.

At this point; I typically reserve the “act like you’ve been there before” approach. This is where I treat this victory as nothing more than the expected. That is if things go according to plan.

In the fight:
Sometimes though, I am the one on the ropes, I won’t let them know I am failing or that I am running down, especially by mouthing of idol threats and guarantees. But, I also don’t expect to lose either. So I will often let them be the aggressor and initiate the mouthing off, then I respond with things I typically think will get them to lose focus or try too hard as individuals not as a team within the strategy. Things such as calling them weak, or cowardly, inadequate or anything that will stir them up. I see nothing wrong with it, nothing at all. My feelings on this are simple. We are both spent, I am certainly on the ropes and clearly my opponent is too, otherwise he wouldn’t be jawing. This being the case, it is what I do here that will likely decide my fate. If I am physically empty I must mentally beat them, often nothing is more demoralizing than exposing their flaws and repeatedly harping on them. (e.g. I hit a homer in softball the other day and made sure to watch it leave the yard, then made a cocky gesture and stared at the pitcher as I very slowly made my way to first) It was showing him up, it got him more rattled, it showed him I have no respect for his skills and trust me, he will remember that the rest of the game, in all likelihood, he is mine going forward.

In Conclusion:
Surely, in a fair fight I wouldn’t show him up like that, because then I look like the loser getting his first win. But, in this scenario it is important to establish dominance because at the end of the game it’s the only card you have left in your hand. At the conclusion of our competition, I will shake your hand in victory or defeat I will say good match or whatever. If I lost, I am likely furious and it will take days or even years for me to get over it, and even then I probably won’t until I defeat you in the future. I fully expect you as a result to humiliate me in your victory and I will handle it as part of my responsibility as the loser, but know, if in fact I beat you, that I am enjoying that dumb look stuck on your face. Truthfully, it is what I worked so hard to achieve. The game was meaningless to me, the money made in the deal or even the awards and notoriety granted to me, I did it all to see that pathetic morally defeated look in your eyes.