Preface:
I am sick of reading articles and blogs about people being surprised or progressive in their approach to marriage & family. It is just stupid and nothing more than a rationalization for human error.
Source:
http://www.oprah.com/relationships/Moving-Out-But-Staying-Married?cnn=yes
(bias version)Synopsis:
A greedy and very possibly mildly retarded woman wishes to after 23 years of marriage and what appears to be no real warning, completely restructure her marriage and it would seem as though this restructuring is 100% under her control and the "or else" is divorce. She is reneging on her contract as I see it (and while he may have fucked up too on occasion during their marriage - nobody communicated that so unfortunately, those infractions don't really count). She also appears to believe that because their child has turned 21 that the sense of family is no longer important so dissolving it shouldn't be any concern.
(Unbiased) Synopsis:
She didn't want a divorce, just her own bed, her own room, a new key to her old self. It was a risky decision, one that could potentially undo her marriage—or deepen it. Jean Morgan steps off the traditional path—and finds a surprising number of women headed in the same direction.
In the interest of full disclosure, just reading the “unbiased synopsis” is making me literally twitch uncontrollably with uninhibited rage.
I:
What is the point of getting married? I mean seriously, why not just stay single and “free”, you can keep your fucking room and key to yourself. Because as it is you’re basically just saying “Gosh, things would be great if I could do anything I want without the concern of others – but I want to concern others too.” No shit. Wouldn’t life just be grand if we could all just do whatever we wanted all the time. I also love how you introduce this by listing all your complaints about your husband (and don’t get me wrong, I am sure he is a piece of useless garbage – most people are) but, I am also sure he hates nearly everything about you AND to your point that marriage wasn’t what you thought it would be? Um, tough shit, deal with it. Obviously, you’re pretty stupid. Because marriage isn’t really all that complicated. Think of a good friend you decided to room with in college – now make “her” a him – all of “her” negative attributes will only become bigger and more masculine in nature. Now add a period of about 15 years of moderate to regular sex with this person – a period of which no mortal can successfully hide all of their many perversions – therefore, you will eventually both have to face the fact you hid some secret pleasure and thus address it. Things will be temporarily awkward or irreparably awkward or you both become swingers and it’s clear you were both sexually dysfunctional. Enter children (1 or many), enter financial strains both based on children and on either you or your husband’s desire for expensive hobbies to take your mind off of how annoying the other person has become. Lastly, add for each of you at least one “gotcha” moment where either he finds out in college or high school you slept with half the class or you find out 5 days before your wedding he gave your bridesmaid the time of her life. Just accept it, because this moment will come up. It may not be as clear or sexually motivated as these examples but it will nonetheless be a moment of massive consequence. What I have just briefly outlined is the typical SUCCESSFUL marriage. This doesn’t even address; loyalty, marital infidelity, lying, sloth, addiction, etc.
II:
The reason that I didn’t bother addressing those issues is because they are your problem. I have learned throughout my life that nearly every time I instinctively feel the need to place blame on someone for a negative outcome, that blame should fall squarely on my own shoulders. For example, you find out your wife is a drunk or addicted to pain killers, her fault or your fault? Answer is, your fault. She is a piece of drug addicted trash and you got fooled by her. How could you have been so obtuse as to not notice her constant “powdering my nose” moments that result in her returning very calm? Or you really couldn’t see her relationship with alcohol was unnatural and rather bothersome? Really? You didn’t notice her fun was unbreakably linked to drinking or shots or “girls night” (which is the most ridiculous and abused excuse for debauchery I have ever encountered). If you married a person with priors, you got what you deserved. As they say “scratch a thief, find a liar” and that couldn’t be more true. People are exactly what their record tells you they are. Most would like you not to recognize this, in fact we spend a lot of money and time covering these blemishes up but unfortunately for you – you are exactly what your history says you are. In most cases it says you are; unintelligent, irrational, dishonest, a poor decision maker, selfish and completely unaccountable. So, if you end up married to a person and 23 years down the road you say to me “It wasn’t what I thought” I would have to tell you, that is too bad – you gave your word and your oath and while you haven’t maintained anything else over your lifespan perhaps preserving your word might be the last honorable thing you could do.
Alas, it isn’t possible for you to do. So you just rationalize all of your poor decisions and your mistakes (which perhaps are derived from my own poor decision making, but the simple fact that you married me without fully investigating what a cluster fuck of a human I actually am – they now become your mistakes :) then you begin to find a way to back out of your promises and your oaths to ‘for better or for worse, in sickness and in health’ be a wife. You begin to push him out the door by telling him “I need space”, “ I want my own room”, “it’s for us”. Really? Because from my vantage point it really appears it’s for “you”.
III:
Once you enter children I begin to really get pissed off (and not for the reasons one might think). I am not particularly compassionate and I really don’t like children unless they look and sound like me (So yeah, I am egotistical, tough shit). I am not thinking for the best interest of the children exactly, I am more thinking of the consequences of adding yet another mental delinquent into this complete pooch-screw of a society we live in. Yet another relationship-dysfunctional individual who will grow up utterly self-absorbed (yes, I see the hypocrisy in my statement), mental midget with a laundry list of excuses for why they make mistakes (my favorite being you live and learn…).
I am a person who very much wants a family and children of my own, so I can relate to your desires to start a family, but just because you want a family doesn’t necessarily mean you deserve a family. Your behavior and disposition would indicate to me that you aren’t “parent material”. You are almost admittedly dysfunctional and filled with insecurities – so if that is universally agreed upon, why do you think you need kids? If your understanding of the needs of a child from the beginning are that you “should try” to hold a family together until they are at least 21, you are a complete disaster and really should just be neutered to circumvent this entire situation.
Epilogue:
See, here is the thing; I seem to have made a fabulous case for one never getting married, and for many, that is probably the best decision. Because they are far too selfish to understand or successfully navigate through a relationship of such magnitude. I look at marriage similar to Professional baseball, making friends is like playing park district baseball – pretty much anyone can do it and while you may not bat 4th you at some point should fit into a slot, maybe last. Your first girlfriend is similar to making the high school team – you find a little success but if you get cut, you’re going to hate everyone involved. In college, you might have a multi-year steady maybe she even moves in – this is like being drafted and getting a shot to play A ball – you get a chance to fulfill some dreams, you experience some new things and get a little warn down from the day-to-day grind, some make it and some don’t – again if you’re cut, hatred towards all. Should you graduate and make the big league club – you are ready for marriage – but you have to work your way to the top and once you’re there, it’s a job to just maintain your skills enough to stay with the club –and again, if you’re cut, you hate everyone. The long lost point of all of this is, you have to move up the levels of relationships as your personal skills advance, if they don’t then you don’t.
If you want to have a marriage you have to maximize yourself first and learn who you are to the nth degree because if you cannot navigate through and accurately diagnose your own problems how in the hell can you take on someone else’s problems too? Short answer is, you can’t. If you want to get married and have children, you need to understand how to read your potential partners and be able to know every single detail about them. Because anything you miss; be it personality defect, mental or physical defect or predispositions, they will inevitably come back to haunt you and by then, it falls onto you.
Your decision to have children should indicate the dedication of your life to create children that are as perfect and functional as possible, that their concerns and failures as well as joys and successes are now your own. That whatever desires you want to fulfill you will now set aside for the betterment of your child. If you don’t feel this way, please do not have any children. Too that point, that exact mindset should be put to use when thinking of one’s marriage. If you aren’t willing to put personal agenda aside for the betterment of two or for the best overall direction of the family, please, stay single. If you get married and waves begin to rock the boat – don’t leave them unaddressed, say something because 10 years down the line – being fed up and wanting to abruptly jump ship or change direction will be completely unacceptable and completely your own fault.
General message: You have to be thinking constantly – if you are not, you will fall behind.
Thus, it’s no surprise to me that typically speaking it’s the idiots and dropouts that are already having children (one or more – typically out of wedlock), creating dysfunctional households, and constantly changing partners. That only makes sense, of course – it also is the reason we are currently in such a steep decline as a civilization.
If this offends you, it is probably because it applies to you.
